If you happened to notice, I went missing here on my blog for about six months. I was going through a really difficult time, and I needed to take some time to support myself to get through it. It was so hard to stop writing, but I didn’t really have a choice. I was facing something no one ever wants to face: my internal, deep rage.
It is a taboo topic that no one wants to talk about. And certainly not admit they struggle with it, especially as a woman. I embrace my femininity and it is embarrassing to see such a masculine trait coming out of my body when rage strikes.
I’m finally getting through this enough to talk to you again. I hope you will listen and take comfort that we are all struggling with something. The more we share, the more we can grow. Are you with me?
So let’s step into discomfort and talk about Rage.
Rage is described as intense, violent, uncontrollable anger. It causes one to lose control of their rationality. It is intense and reactive. Once rage is unleashed it must be dealt with or it may cause pain to those closest to you.
I sustained a TBI traumatic brain injury when I had my Cardiac arrest over 22 years ago. I have struggled with rage since the arrest. For many years I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with emotions. Depression and rage were just a few of the things I used alcohol for. I believe that I relapsed in the past because I would grab a drink to numb the anger that was emerging. Alcohol was useful for a while in managing my rage, but it was also affecting my health. After losing my sister and an aunt to alcoholism I knew I needed to quit alcohol for good. I had already been given another chance at life after surviving a cardiac arrest, a mass in my liver, nodules in my lungs and two episodes of pancreatitis. I knew what a killer alcohol could be and I wanted a better life for myself and my family.
I quit drinking on August 29, 2019. I am physically healthier now than I have been in many years. On the outside I look as if I have things pretty much figured out, but that would be a lie. I made the changes to become a better person. No more alcohol or cigarettes. I eat healthier and have lost some much needed weight. I continually try to manage the negative self talk that has dominated my life. It is a process. Some days are smooth sailing. I find myself uneasy however when things are going too well. Constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, type of scenario. I am still living in a hypervigilant state, I deal with intermittent sleep problems, and tend to run myself into exhaustion as a way to keep out of my head. Other days I can be triggered by something as simple as the dog waking me up to go outside to potty. I can fly into a rage within seconds. Once triggered, anyone who says anything to try to calm me down instantly becomes a target. My brain goes into attack mode. I know your weaknesses and I think nothing of using it against you. I become someone I am afraid of. I am fueled with adrenaline and rage and want others to hurt. Like an animal that is cornered I will come out striking. Do not try to touch me or I may become physical. Screaming at the top of my lungs I demand to be heard. No one EVER heard me. Rage will ensure they do now.
This is what it feels like to live with rage. People don’t really want to hear about it, and don’t really want to talk about it. It makes me feel shame. I do not like who I become. Too often I say terrible things when I am enraged. I feel awful later. Rage affects my self worth at times. I feel like a monster. It’s my job to control the monster. It’s your job to control yourself too.
Rage has a purpose. It’s designed as a form of protection. My rage jumps to my defense if it senses that I’ve been hurt in any way. It lives just below the surface. I don’t even need to summon it. If something in me feels disrespected or my feelings get hurt, it will quickly reveal itself. At first it shows annoyance or anger, but then if disrespected further it will seek to destroy in a full out rage.
As an empath, I feel people's energies. As an enraged or wounded empath I use your weakness or fears against you. Vengeance and making you feel my pain is the goal. This is the ugly side of rage.
I am not a mean or nasty person by nature. I love helping others. I enjoy my job as a caregiver and I love my clients. They have never seen me enraged nor will they. I work diligently to mask my feelings so that I will be acceptable and loved. I have done this ever since I can remember. Now sober I am learning to love myself for who I am today. Flaws and all. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not perfect. Sobriety doesn’t change that. I have had to give myself grace over this rage issue. I understand that my brain sustained a hypoxic injury during the cardiac arrest. While I have endured many difficult things during my lifetime, I do not want to inflict any emotional or physical pain on anyone. I yearn for peace and acceptance. I need others to also understand that TBI‘s injuries can include rage. So extending grace to others is always the best approach.
As a person who deals with rage please understand that I need solitude, rest, and understanding. Most of all I ask you to love me when I am unlovable. Love and compassion can cancel out rage. Time will do the rest.
Have you ever experienced rage? How did you handle it? Drop me a comment below. Namaste.
It is a taboo topic that no one wants to talk about. And certainly not admit they struggle with it, especially as a woman. I embrace my femininity and it is embarrassing to see such a masculine trait coming out of my body when rage strikes.
I’m finally getting through this enough to talk to you again. I hope you will listen and take comfort that we are all struggling with something. The more we share, the more we can grow. Are you with me?
So let’s step into discomfort and talk about Rage.
Rage is described as intense, violent, uncontrollable anger. It causes one to lose control of their rationality. It is intense and reactive. Once rage is unleashed it must be dealt with or it may cause pain to those closest to you.
I sustained a TBI traumatic brain injury when I had my Cardiac arrest over 22 years ago. I have struggled with rage since the arrest. For many years I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with emotions. Depression and rage were just a few of the things I used alcohol for. I believe that I relapsed in the past because I would grab a drink to numb the anger that was emerging. Alcohol was useful for a while in managing my rage, but it was also affecting my health. After losing my sister and an aunt to alcoholism I knew I needed to quit alcohol for good. I had already been given another chance at life after surviving a cardiac arrest, a mass in my liver, nodules in my lungs and two episodes of pancreatitis. I knew what a killer alcohol could be and I wanted a better life for myself and my family.
I quit drinking on August 29, 2019. I am physically healthier now than I have been in many years. On the outside I look as if I have things pretty much figured out, but that would be a lie. I made the changes to become a better person. No more alcohol or cigarettes. I eat healthier and have lost some much needed weight. I continually try to manage the negative self talk that has dominated my life. It is a process. Some days are smooth sailing. I find myself uneasy however when things are going too well. Constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, type of scenario. I am still living in a hypervigilant state, I deal with intermittent sleep problems, and tend to run myself into exhaustion as a way to keep out of my head. Other days I can be triggered by something as simple as the dog waking me up to go outside to potty. I can fly into a rage within seconds. Once triggered, anyone who says anything to try to calm me down instantly becomes a target. My brain goes into attack mode. I know your weaknesses and I think nothing of using it against you. I become someone I am afraid of. I am fueled with adrenaline and rage and want others to hurt. Like an animal that is cornered I will come out striking. Do not try to touch me or I may become physical. Screaming at the top of my lungs I demand to be heard. No one EVER heard me. Rage will ensure they do now.
This is what it feels like to live with rage. People don’t really want to hear about it, and don’t really want to talk about it. It makes me feel shame. I do not like who I become. Too often I say terrible things when I am enraged. I feel awful later. Rage affects my self worth at times. I feel like a monster. It’s my job to control the monster. It’s your job to control yourself too.
Rage has a purpose. It’s designed as a form of protection. My rage jumps to my defense if it senses that I’ve been hurt in any way. It lives just below the surface. I don’t even need to summon it. If something in me feels disrespected or my feelings get hurt, it will quickly reveal itself. At first it shows annoyance or anger, but then if disrespected further it will seek to destroy in a full out rage.
As an empath, I feel people's energies. As an enraged or wounded empath I use your weakness or fears against you. Vengeance and making you feel my pain is the goal. This is the ugly side of rage.
I am not a mean or nasty person by nature. I love helping others. I enjoy my job as a caregiver and I love my clients. They have never seen me enraged nor will they. I work diligently to mask my feelings so that I will be acceptable and loved. I have done this ever since I can remember. Now sober I am learning to love myself for who I am today. Flaws and all. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not perfect. Sobriety doesn’t change that. I have had to give myself grace over this rage issue. I understand that my brain sustained a hypoxic injury during the cardiac arrest. While I have endured many difficult things during my lifetime, I do not want to inflict any emotional or physical pain on anyone. I yearn for peace and acceptance. I need others to also understand that TBI‘s injuries can include rage. So extending grace to others is always the best approach.
As a person who deals with rage please understand that I need solitude, rest, and understanding. Most of all I ask you to love me when I am unlovable. Love and compassion can cancel out rage. Time will do the rest.
Have you ever experienced rage? How did you handle it? Drop me a comment below. Namaste.
