“Dani, you're dreaming!” was a comment from a friend of mine a few years ago when I talked about writing a book. Today I will be publishing my 4th book. I am glad I didn’t listen to what others thought I should do. I always heard “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks!” I believed that growing up, but I proved that wrong too. I am constantly learning new things. I wake with curiosity and excitement for what’s to come. I enroll myself in classes that interest or intrigue me. Learning the art of storytelling, water color painting, or just being able to make sour dough bread. The sky is the limit! I now realize how little I actually know.
When I was in high school I was incredibly bored. I hated learning about things that didn’t seem relevant to me, but now I crave learning now. I want to understand everything. I have developed a love of words and recently learned that I am most likely what is known as a polymath! I don’t like to use labels as a way of identifying myself, but I had never heard the word before and found it rather interesting. Labels are too restrictive and divisive for me. I really just want people to love and accept each other as they are and not by who they identify as, if that makes any sense.
For a while I have wanted to start a Podcast that helps people embrace their difficulties in life. As a caregiver, I see so many sad and lonely people. Families that are divided for various reasons. People in a health crisis and looking for hope and understanding. I see how just listening to their stories and struggles helps them to feel less alone. I want to help people become the best versions of themselves by taking back control of their lives. Emp-A-Tea is my podcast dream. It will become a reality in the near future. I encourage you to join my Facebook Group Emp-A-Tea Community to get the latest announcements on the release date!
Recently, I followed my heart and recently became a Certified Peer Recovery Coach! Woo Hoo! I completed the formal training needed to get certified! I am hopeful that I will find the right company to pursue this passion of helping others make the choice to get sober. From hopeless to hopeful. My life is a constant reminder that we can never give up on ourselves.
Moving on, I have one more announcement. Drum roll please…I will be doing a storytelling event called Push Up The Sun on November 4th at the Water Street Social Club in Prairie du Sac, WI. It’s a night of storytelling with the subject of Turn Around. There will be a few other speakers sharing their interpretation of what Turn Around means to them. It’s a free event, but tickets are required as there is limited seating. Please check out the link on facebook for reserving your tickets. I hope to see you there!
My message to you is dare to dream. You never know what you are capable of. What do you dream of doing or becoming? What is stopping you? Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste.
Author: Dani
When Diversity Unites
I recently completed a course to become a certified Peer Recovery Coach. I wasn’t sure
of how this experience would play out, but I was excited to be a part of it. It was a small class with only 8 students. Mostly women and two men. We were from different backgrounds. We were from different cultures. We were different ages. I was probably the oldest of the group. Many had been arrested and had done court ordered treatment to get sober. I had never experienced life behind bars. I chose recovery because I had become an alcoholic and was ready for change. My health had been impaired and I needed to change. Each of us had different stories, different reasons for being there. It was very easy to see we had little in common besides a troubled past and a sad story.
Our stories united us. We shared our struggles and how we ended up taking this class together. We shared the same desire to help others and to give back to society. We share a passion and a past. It was so refreshing to feel part of a solution instead of being part of the problem. These folks have heartbreaking stories. None of them set out to become an addict. Now they work to heal from the pain they spent much of their lives running from. It is amazing to bear witness to someone's healing journey. To see them light up with excitement for their future. I know because it’s exactly how I feel! Seven years ago I would have never dreamed all this would be possible. Today I am proof that we can do difficult things. Change is possible. We are worthy!
I am grateful for my life today and the opportunities that are coming to me. I am happy that I had this experience to meet and work with these people. To understand different perspectives and experiences that I wouldn’t have gotten before my sobriety. My heart is full and I am excited to meet others on their journey! Instead of judging, avoiding or misunderstanding others, we actually take time to understand those who are different from us. Let’s recheck and release our beliefs that we are different from others. Let’s listen to our stories and see ways we can unite and come together in support of each other. What a beautiful world this would be if life could be so accepting of one another? I dare to dream!
How do you meet new people? Are you willing to be part of the solution for unity? Share your story, I would love to know. Namaste.
Back to School
It's back to school time for many students. Autumn always reminds me of when I was a busy mom getting my kids ready for school. I can't believe it's been 10 years since those days.
This year is different because the one going back to class this year is me! On Monday, I will begin a course to become a peer recovery coach! I have to pinch myself. I can hardly believe this is happening. I am so proud of myself. Just saying those words is proof that I am not the same person that I used to be.
The old me was incapable of accomplishing anything. I did not realize the importance of setting goals or the effects on oneself once I had achieved those goals. I did not believe in myself. I did not know who I was or what I was capable of. I was unhealthy in my mind, body and spirit.I had become what others needed me to be for them. But in that process, I lost myself.
Today, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I am embracing my curiosity. I am challenging myself to learn new things. In doing this, I am rediscovering who I am and things that light me up. I am finding new activities and friends that bring me great joy these days.In learning new things, I am finding out who I am and what I meant to do. I love who I am becoming.
When was the last time that you tried something new? What have you done recently to challenge yourself? Drop me a note in the comments. I love hearing from my readers.
Namaste.
This Morning’s Revelation
I've got a full plate right now and it feels like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. As I asked God for guidance, a question came to me. What do you need right now? On the 28th, I will start my training to become certified as a Peer Recovery Coach. I will be able to help others who are dealing with many challenges that they will encounter during recovery. I will provide them with resources and skills to help them be successful in their efforts. A lot of recovery deals with issues of past trauma. A person can easily become overwhelmed and relapse because they need comfort and understanding. Family members are often supportive, yet cautious with us in recovery. The dynamic of walking on egg shells is difficult for all until trust is regained. Not an easy process. My family, especially my husband, seemed to be resistant when I established some boundaries in our relationship. After seven years of being sober, it's still difficult at times. As I anticipate becoming a peer recovery coach, the question, “what do you need right now?” plays in my mind.
I remember the first time I went into treatment. I was filled with shame. Admittedly, I had become an alcoholic, something I swore I would never do. I felt defeated, angry, and hopeless. No one understood the depth of my pain. I had become a victim of life. I was angry at the world and angry at God. I taunted God with rage and spewed words like venom. I wasn't prepared for his response. “What do you need, my child?”
In that instant I realized what I needed was God. I felt a nudge on my leg from my dog in Rainy. As I petted her, my heart softened immediately and I grew quiet. God reminded me that He was with me always.
At that moment, something inside me clicked. I needed to love myself as I loved my friends.I had to be my best friend. I had to nurture the wounded child inside of me that I had been carrying my entire life. So I thought about things a little more. I thought about the best friends that I had through the years. Those friends who are no longer with me for various reasons. Those friends who departed when my health issues arrived and when I became sober. I longed for friendships and something to fill the void inside of myself. God had gifted me with my dogs to fill that void.
Today, my best friends are my dogs. They have been with me during this process. DOG is an anagram for God. I don't think that's a coincidence. When I'm at my lowest, my dogs are always right nearby, providing me comfort and reassuring me that everything's gonna be OK. To me, my dogs are a daily reminder of God's love for each of us. So I will recommend to my future clients to grab their dog and take a walk. Tell them their secrets and innermost feelings. As if God was right there by their side. Dogs are a gift from God to provide us comfort and to be a reminder of his love. They are there for us in a physical reality that God cannot be in with us.
That is my revelation from my morning mediation. I am grateful that you took the time to read my perspective as I navigate through life.
Who do you lean on in difficult times? How do you deal with adversity? Drop me a line and let me know. Namaste.
Check Those Beliefs
A few years ago, I was part of an online program called The Water We Swim In. It was designed to help people realize how their beliefs affect their life. Our beliefs are formed from our earliest interactions in life. Our parents, teachers and friends all contribute to what we believe in. Society creates rules that we accept and live by. We believe the government works to keep us safe and healthy, but does it actually? We believe that doctors take an oath to do no harm, and that protects us, but does it? People are sicker than ever and dying at an alarming rate. Anymore I question my beliefs constantly.
I have discovered that most people hold tightly to their beliefs. No amount of explaining a different perspective will change their minds. They will not budge. Often they are some of the most unhappy people I know. I say this because I was one of them. I thought I knew right from wrong. Good from evil. That I could tell the difference, but I can now admit I knew nothing. I believed the things I heard or read from the news. I was sure they couldn’t lie on TV. I was wrong. The news is owned by wealthy, greedy corporations that have an agenda. Lesson learned: I turned off the news and researched things for myself. God gave me a brain and free will. I intend to use it. Having severe trust issues, I pray for discernment so that I am not misled.
My eyes have been opened, however most people's eyes aren’t. The majority of folks have no reason to check their beliefs and zero desire to change. Change is difficult and requires hard work and dedication. It’s easier to just stay with what is familiar. That’s why I am writing about this.
During my spiritual awakening, I began to see through the veil, cut through the BS that was all around me. I am able to see a side to humanity that I find rather disturbing. The term spiritual awakening may sound woo-woo to some but it is real. I speak about my struggles with mental illness and addiction to try and reduce the stigma. However, I have had some people think that I am literally crazy. They have tried gaslighting me and my memories. They downplay the intense and difficult work that I have done. They believe that because they don’t have a mental health diagnosis that they are superior to me. That it makes me delusional and unstable. A mistake on their part, but I do not press my beliefs onto them. I used to defend myself and my beliefs, but I don’t any longer. I realize that I can’t make them understand my point of view. They refuse to even try.
My advice to those who might want it, is to stay curious. Ask yourself how and why things are the way they are. What could make things better? Is this belief true today? Then research and see what you find. You might be surprised, I know I was lied to about a lot of things. I am more open minded now and have more confidence in myself because I’ve done the work. I question everything today.
It’s kind of sad that it is this way, but I am glad that I am learning new things. The biggest lesson that I’ve learned is that I have lots to learn. This time I have an eager heart that desperately wants to understand how we can make our journey here a better experience for all. I want to help others who want to do better in their own lives. I would love to bring people together in unity instead of division. So I guess if that makes me woo-woo I will own it!!
Goodbye negativity, fear, and naivety. Hello beautiful souls! Let's heal together and recreate everything we thought we were. Let's become who we were meant to be. No more excuses. No projecting our unhealed wounds onto others. Take the chance and believe in yourself. Let go of the labels, diagnoses and beliefs that are holding you back! There's no time like the present. What do you say? What's your beliefs about yourself? Are they true?
Drop me a note in the comments. I'd love to hear your story. Namaste.
Reached Another Milestone
Tomorrow my husband and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage. When I think back to that day, I am filled with pride. Bryon and I were together for over 3 years when I got pregnant. He proposed while we were fishing on the Chippewa Flowage. I was 8 months pregnant. The following weekend our friends had planned a couples baby shower. We returned home and contacted a local justice of the peace to marry us at the baby shower. In four days we pulled off a lovely wedding ceremony on our friends flagstone patio, overlooking a lush valley below. Another friend flew his plane over the event and dumped confetti on us below. It was perfect, but noticeably absent was my family.
I was very emotional at 8 months pregnant and cried during the entire ceremony.The justice of the peace provided the music complete with The Rose by Bette Midler, on his boom box.When the music started so did the tears. My tears did not go unnoticed either. My mother in law approached me afterward saying that if I was so upset by the wedding, that I shouldn’t have gone through with it. She failed to understand that while this was a beautiful wedding, it wasn’t what I had dreamed about for my entire life. While I loved Bryon deeply, I carried a secret sadness about this last minute ceremony. My dream wedding, complete with wedding dress and dad giving me away was not meant to be. My parents refused to attend. I offered to pay for their flight, but they still declined.
My heart shattered. My mother felt that Bryon, as a mechanic, wasn't up to her high standards that she held for me. She was more interested in his bank account, than in him as a person. I married him for love and not for money. I made the right decision and I knew it back then. Many years later she got to know him and fell in love with who he is as a person.I got my validation when she told me prior to her death that he was a real gem and she was wrong about him. I no longer needed or cared what she thought but it was good to hear.
In these past thirty years, we have dealt with numerous struggles and changes. We have dealt with the struggles of raising a child with special needs. I have dealt with mental health and addiction struggles. I have overcome serious health issues while Bryon dutifully stayed by my side. I survived a cardiac arrest thanks to his quick action when he found me dead on the bathroom floor. We have grieved the loss of many people that we loved dearly due to death or other reasons. We have grieved the plans we had for our future and our family because of things beyond our control. We have supported each other through various stages of life. Through it all we remained committed to the vows taken 30 years ago.
Now we enter a new stage and we are contemplating what comes next for us. Do we still remain committed to each other today after enduring everything?
I want to believe that we will be together forever, but life throws us curve balls that make us question our beliefs. I realize it’s easy to become complacent when in a long-term relationship. I want us to rediscover each other while we experience our next chapter. I want us to have an adventurous yet satisfying life.
I feel like I am just beginning to live the life of my dreams. I need to play this through and see where it leads. I would love to have him by my side, but only if it’s what he truly wants to be a part of it.
I realize that marriage takes two people to make it work. I am not the same person that Bryon married 30 years ago. I am completely different. I worked VERY hard to change and become who I am today. I finally am beginning to love and believe in myself. Bryon hasn’t changed. In fact, Bryon is generally resistant to change. He is proud that he doesn’t have a cell phone and sees no reason to change.
This is not the fairy tale marriage that I imagined it would be. I guess I saw too many Disney movies as a kid. I always believed that love could conquer all. Truthfully it is a work in progress to adapt to our new reality of the new version of me.
Today I am a strong, ambitious woman who wants to bring about change in mental health and addiction treatment. Bryon is a stable, reliable, hard worker who’s ready to step into retirement. Two people who are growing in different directions after 30 years together. Not what you were expecting, is it? And this was not what we expected either.
As we enter this next chapter we must figure out where to go from here. It will include having some tough conversations. Sharing our vulnerabilities and brutal honesty from one another. We have survived things that would have ended other marriages. We both love one another deeply. We have built a strong foundation to pull from. I believe God brought us together for a reason and not just a season.
My faith leads me to believe that things will work out as they should. I thank God for these 30 years. Bryon is my hero. He is the reason I am still here today. I thank my husband for his patience, loyalty and everything he has done for our family. I am proud to be Mrs. Ehlert and excited to see what the next 30 years will bring. I am ready for our next chapter however it plays out.
What are your tips for a successful relationship? How do you deal with change? Drop me a line, I would love to hear your perspective. Namaste.
Open Arms
Good morning world! Today holds a special meaning as I am celebrating 7 years of sobriety from alcohol. It’s quite a milestone for me. I am proud of myself for how far I have come. I am also proud of my relationship with God. As I slid into my hot tub for my morning soak and gratitude practice, I thanked the universe for my life today. The warm water engulfed my stiff body like a warm hug. I imagined Jesus wrapping his arms around me and giving me comfort. A reminder of his love for me. I couldn’t have made it to 7 years without His love and guidance.
When I think of my life 7 years ago, I think of the sad and lonely person I had become. I yearned for connection from someone who truly understood what I was dealing with. My friends all but abandoned me. My family didn’t understand or know how to help me. Then Jesus entered the picture. I was broken and lost. My parents, grandmother and sister were gone forever. I felt orphaned. Overwhelming grief and sadness left me wanting to die so that I could be with them. God had other plans. It was not my time.
Today I hardly remember that sad and lonely person. Jesus has brought new people into my world. He has reminded me of what it feels like to live with purpose and servitude. How fulfilling it is to help others and make a positive difference in this world. Seven years ago I was so caught up in my problems and grief that I could barely function. Today I am free of the chains of addiction. My health is returning and I feel great!
Next month I will be getting certified to help others who want to get sober. I am going to become a Peer Recovery Coach! I have to pinch myself because this seems so unreal to me. It is a dream come true. I am curse breaker at last! I know my family is proud of me. For once, I am proud of myself. I owe it to Jesus for giving me the strength to endure. For His unconditional love and mercy.
He can help you too, but you must initiate it. I encourage anyone thinking of getting sober to investigate their beliefs. I resisted my spirituality for much too long. I was angry with God. I blamed Him for everything wrong in this world. I now realize that we are truly living in Satan’s world. God loves me and keeps me safe. He loves you too. He is there for us when others fail. He will be the one waiting for you when you're ready. He’s waiting there for you with open arms.
Candles For Mental Health
I recently started my Emp-A-Tea Calming Candle making business. It was quite by accident actually. I enjoy the art of candle making – preparing the containers, melting the wax, adding the fragrance at the exact temperature, pouring the wax, and waiting for it to set. There's a science to it I have discovered. Certain waxes need to reach a certain temperature to set properly and to take on the fragrance without dissolving it by overheating. Who knew? I am learning to enjoy the whole process. It’s a vibe.
My husband, and biggest supporter, created a space in our basement for my candle making workshop. He made shelves from cedar lumber harvested from our property. As an extra special touch he lined the shelves with floral toile contact paper to boot! He spoils me all the time. I appreciate all that he does for me and take time to thank him.
Before I begin, I turn on my speaker and connect music from my latest playlist. Music soothes my soul and gets my creative juices flowing. Next I fill my wax warmer and start to prepare the jars. I secure a wick in the middle of each jar. I add a warning label, required by law, to the bottom of each jar. People need reminders not to leave candles burning unattended I guess. I don't want to break any laws with my little hobby. I scan my collection of fragrances and choose one that suits my mood for the day. Next, I reflect on what I want to say in my naming of the candles. Scents like Dare to Dream, Believe in Yourself, or my favorite Curse Breaker are my inspiration for these candles. I love coming up with names to inspire those who could use a lift. It is so much fun coming up with new scent ideas and fragrance blends.
While I was making these candles, I kept feeling “Be The Light” and that was how Emp-A-Tea Calming candles came to be. That message inspired me to make candles for others and spread the joy I now feel today by “being the light” to them. These aren’t just a way for me to have some extra income. These candles are a labor of love. It is my hope that these candles will help inspire people to work on healing themselves to become their best versions possible. That when someone shares my candles with others that it will open their hearts and promote happiness.
Candlemaking gives me time to focus on the candles and to stay out of my head. My mental health has improved and I am proud of the beautiful candles that I have created. It’s a win win! Struggles with mental health are nothing to be ashamed of. Spreading awareness is important to help others navigate their mental health needs. Maybe we can connect over candles? I think that would be wonderful. That’s a world I want to be part of! No more division, but one of unity.
What brings you joy? How do you unwind after a busy week? Do you have a special hobby or talent? Share your story with others who also want unity! Namaste.
Select Your Calming Candle
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Hide and Seek, Anyone?
I feel as if I am playing a game of Hide and Seek with myself at times. It usually happens when I step into making myself more visible. As an author and storyteller this seems to be becoming more of an issue for me lately. I feel ready to step into the spotlight, it’s what I have been actively pursuing for the past five years, but my mind has a completely different idea about who I am. I begin to question why I even care or I ask myself just who I think I am to tell anyone how to live their life. This battle is real for me. The empath inside of me urges me to continue to help the wounded child trapped inside. I know I am capable and determined to make a difference with the time I have left on this journey, but my inner dialogue is brutal. It has always been hyper critical of me. Quick to point out my unworthiness, faults and flaws, reasons that I could never be successful or of use to anyone. Through my healing I’ve learned that just because I may think these things about myself, that it doesn’t make them true. These are only thoughts and thoughts can change all the time.
When these thoughts surface, I pause to ask myself if they are serving my best interest or if this is just old dialogue coming through? If I find it’s old patterns, I flip the script and change the negative thought or belief. Ego has always made me feel less than everyone else. I hid who I was to please others. I played small so I wouldn’t be seen as competition. Healing has given me the ability to live authentically.
Authentic living means not comparing myself to anyone else. Accepting that we are all on our own journeys. It’s given me the understanding that while I may want to help those who are struggling, that I can’t fix it for them. People must become more willing to go through discomfort to get to the other side. I am willing to sit with them during these trials. I cannot tell them how to fix it.
Everyone has a different journey to experience. It’s through the hardship and suffering that we discover who we are and who we can become. I am excited to discover the potential that I had abandoned during my drinking days. I like who I am becoming. I recall my power and take steps needed to release this ingrained pattern of negative thinking about myself. I am exhausted from this inner bullying that occurs daily. I refuse to hide from myself anymore. The person who was playing hide and seek was a wounded child who needed help. I am nurturing that girl and empowering her to continue in her quest for knowledge and understanding. I am forgiving her for not understanding everything. I give this girl grace and compassion for her struggles. I recognize how far she has come. I am proud of who she is today!
How do you deal with intrusive thoughts? Are you working on your self acceptance?
Drop me a note and tell me your story! Namaste.
Rage
If you happened to notice, I went missing here on my blog for about six months. I was going through a really difficult time, and I needed to take some time to support myself to get through it. It was so hard to stop writing, but I didn’t really have a choice. I was facing something no one ever wants to face: my internal, deep rage.
It is a taboo topic that no one wants to talk about. And certainly not admit they struggle with it, especially as a woman. I embrace my femininity and it is embarrassing to see such a masculine trait coming out of my body when rage strikes.
I’m finally getting through this enough to talk to you again. I hope you will listen and take comfort that we are all struggling with something. The more we share, the more we can grow. Are you with me?
So let’s step into discomfort and talk about Rage.
Rage is described as intense, violent, uncontrollable anger. It causes one to lose control of their rationality. It is intense and reactive. Once rage is unleashed it must be dealt with or it may cause pain to those closest to you.
I sustained a TBI traumatic brain injury when I had my Cardiac arrest over 22 years ago. I have struggled with rage since the arrest. For many years I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with emotions. Depression and rage were just a few of the things I used alcohol for. I believe that I relapsed in the past because I would grab a drink to numb the anger that was emerging. Alcohol was useful for a while in managing my rage, but it was also affecting my health. After losing my sister and an aunt to alcoholism I knew I needed to quit alcohol for good. I had already been given another chance at life after surviving a cardiac arrest, a mass in my liver, nodules in my lungs and two episodes of pancreatitis. I knew what a killer alcohol could be and I wanted a better life for myself and my family.
I quit drinking on August 29, 2019. I am physically healthier now than I have been in many years. On the outside I look as if I have things pretty much figured out, but that would be a lie. I made the changes to become a better person. No more alcohol or cigarettes. I eat healthier and have lost some much needed weight. I continually try to manage the negative self talk that has dominated my life. It is a process. Some days are smooth sailing. I find myself uneasy however when things are going too well. Constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, type of scenario. I am still living in a hypervigilant state, I deal with intermittent sleep problems, and tend to run myself into exhaustion as a way to keep out of my head. Other days I can be triggered by something as simple as the dog waking me up to go outside to potty. I can fly into a rage within seconds. Once triggered, anyone who says anything to try to calm me down instantly becomes a target. My brain goes into attack mode. I know your weaknesses and I think nothing of using it against you. I become someone I am afraid of. I am fueled with adrenaline and rage and want others to hurt. Like an animal that is cornered I will come out striking. Do not try to touch me or I may become physical. Screaming at the top of my lungs I demand to be heard. No one EVER heard me. Rage will ensure they do now.
This is what it feels like to live with rage. People don’t really want to hear about it, and don’t really want to talk about it. It makes me feel shame. I do not like who I become. Too often I say terrible things when I am enraged. I feel awful later. Rage affects my self worth at times. I feel like a monster. It’s my job to control the monster. It’s your job to control yourself too.
Rage has a purpose. It’s designed as a form of protection. My rage jumps to my defense if it senses that I’ve been hurt in any way. It lives just below the surface. I don’t even need to summon it. If something in me feels disrespected or my feelings get hurt, it will quickly reveal itself. At first it shows annoyance or anger, but then if disrespected further it will seek to destroy in a full out rage.
As an empath, I feel people's energies. As an enraged or wounded empath I use your weakness or fears against you. Vengeance and making you feel my pain is the goal. This is the ugly side of rage.
I am not a mean or nasty person by nature. I love helping others. I enjoy my job as a caregiver and I love my clients. They have never seen me enraged nor will they. I work diligently to mask my feelings so that I will be acceptable and loved. I have done this ever since I can remember. Now sober I am learning to love myself for who I am today. Flaws and all. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not perfect. Sobriety doesn’t change that. I have had to give myself grace over this rage issue. I understand that my brain sustained a hypoxic injury during the cardiac arrest. While I have endured many difficult things during my lifetime, I do not want to inflict any emotional or physical pain on anyone. I yearn for peace and acceptance. I need others to also understand that TBI‘s injuries can include rage. So extending grace to others is always the best approach.
As a person who deals with rage please understand that I need solitude, rest, and understanding. Most of all I ask you to love me when I am unlovable. Love and compassion can cancel out rage. Time will do the rest.
Have you ever experienced rage? How did you handle it? Drop me a comment below. Namaste.
It is a taboo topic that no one wants to talk about. And certainly not admit they struggle with it, especially as a woman. I embrace my femininity and it is embarrassing to see such a masculine trait coming out of my body when rage strikes.
I’m finally getting through this enough to talk to you again. I hope you will listen and take comfort that we are all struggling with something. The more we share, the more we can grow. Are you with me?
So let’s step into discomfort and talk about Rage.
Rage is described as intense, violent, uncontrollable anger. It causes one to lose control of their rationality. It is intense and reactive. Once rage is unleashed it must be dealt with or it may cause pain to those closest to you.
I sustained a TBI traumatic brain injury when I had my Cardiac arrest over 22 years ago. I have struggled with rage since the arrest. For many years I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with emotions. Depression and rage were just a few of the things I used alcohol for. I believe that I relapsed in the past because I would grab a drink to numb the anger that was emerging. Alcohol was useful for a while in managing my rage, but it was also affecting my health. After losing my sister and an aunt to alcoholism I knew I needed to quit alcohol for good. I had already been given another chance at life after surviving a cardiac arrest, a mass in my liver, nodules in my lungs and two episodes of pancreatitis. I knew what a killer alcohol could be and I wanted a better life for myself and my family.
I quit drinking on August 29, 2019. I am physically healthier now than I have been in many years. On the outside I look as if I have things pretty much figured out, but that would be a lie. I made the changes to become a better person. No more alcohol or cigarettes. I eat healthier and have lost some much needed weight. I continually try to manage the negative self talk that has dominated my life. It is a process. Some days are smooth sailing. I find myself uneasy however when things are going too well. Constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, type of scenario. I am still living in a hypervigilant state, I deal with intermittent sleep problems, and tend to run myself into exhaustion as a way to keep out of my head. Other days I can be triggered by something as simple as the dog waking me up to go outside to potty. I can fly into a rage within seconds. Once triggered, anyone who says anything to try to calm me down instantly becomes a target. My brain goes into attack mode. I know your weaknesses and I think nothing of using it against you. I become someone I am afraid of. I am fueled with adrenaline and rage and want others to hurt. Like an animal that is cornered I will come out striking. Do not try to touch me or I may become physical. Screaming at the top of my lungs I demand to be heard. No one EVER heard me. Rage will ensure they do now.
This is what it feels like to live with rage. People don’t really want to hear about it, and don’t really want to talk about it. It makes me feel shame. I do not like who I become. Too often I say terrible things when I am enraged. I feel awful later. Rage affects my self worth at times. I feel like a monster. It’s my job to control the monster. It’s your job to control yourself too.
Rage has a purpose. It’s designed as a form of protection. My rage jumps to my defense if it senses that I’ve been hurt in any way. It lives just below the surface. I don’t even need to summon it. If something in me feels disrespected or my feelings get hurt, it will quickly reveal itself. At first it shows annoyance or anger, but then if disrespected further it will seek to destroy in a full out rage.
As an empath, I feel people's energies. As an enraged or wounded empath I use your weakness or fears against you. Vengeance and making you feel my pain is the goal. This is the ugly side of rage.
I am not a mean or nasty person by nature. I love helping others. I enjoy my job as a caregiver and I love my clients. They have never seen me enraged nor will they. I work diligently to mask my feelings so that I will be acceptable and loved. I have done this ever since I can remember. Now sober I am learning to love myself for who I am today. Flaws and all. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not perfect. Sobriety doesn’t change that. I have had to give myself grace over this rage issue. I understand that my brain sustained a hypoxic injury during the cardiac arrest. While I have endured many difficult things during my lifetime, I do not want to inflict any emotional or physical pain on anyone. I yearn for peace and acceptance. I need others to also understand that TBI‘s injuries can include rage. So extending grace to others is always the best approach.
As a person who deals with rage please understand that I need solitude, rest, and understanding. Most of all I ask you to love me when I am unlovable. Love and compassion can cancel out rage. Time will do the rest.
Have you ever experienced rage? How did you handle it? Drop me a comment below. Namaste.