My journey with sobriety has allowed me to discover new things in life. New friendships are exposing me to new experiences. Last night was another such experience. I had been invited by a friend to give line dancing a try. Last night Bryon and I went to the town of Loganville to Drifters Saloon to meet up with her and her husband. When we arrived Aimee was already busy on the dance floor. There were people of all ages there to take part in the activities! From young 20 year olds, to seniors in their 70s or 80s. Everyone was wearing a huge smile. Aimee enthusiastically ran up to me to pull me onto the dance floor. She rushed me to the front of the group so that I could get a better view of the instructor. I was familiar with a few of the dance moves due to my previous dancing experience, so I felt a little less nervous. Watching Aimee attempting to follow along made me way more comfortable. We both messed up terribly at times, but instead of feeling shame or embarrassment, we burst out laughing without any care of judgment. It was very freeing! I used to worry about what others thought of me, but no more. These days I am enjoying my life. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I am learning to try and do new things. I have let go of any fear of failure that used to hold me back!
In my book Dance of the Dragonfly, I share my story of learning to love myself and believing in myself. I show how fear of failure held me back. I no longer strive for perfection or validation. I enjoy life as it comes. The bad days teach me valuable lessons and the good days bring me immense joy.
These daily experiences are bringing a whole new set of friends my way. I look forward to getting to know more about the people I encounter. After self isolating for years I feel like I am able to see the world through new eyes! Like a child who looks at the world with wonder. I am excited for each new day. No more dread or negativity to hold me back. I am curious about everything. I look up to the heavens for guidance each morning during my morning hot tub soak and meditation. I look for the glimmers in each day with eager anticipation. I am grateful to be alive and to be able to connect with others again. Humans need connection with others.I think this is why I enjoy being a caregiver so much.
As a society we need to step out of our comfort zone more often. We need to experience discomfort and failure in order to grow. I tended not to attempt new things because I was afraid of looking foolish. Fear of failure stopped me from even trying. It was difficult for me to meet and make new friends for a while. Friendships I thought I would have for years fell to the wayside. Hurt and feelings of betrayal kept me from exploring new friendship opportunities so I gave up. I regret that now. I am learning to get more comfortable with discomfort. I am putting myself in situations now where I might make some new friends. I understand that when we experience discomfort in our body that our body is telling us that something isn’t right. It is time for us to slow down and figure things out. Making friends can be intimidating, but there’s nothing like finding your tribe! I am grateful for the new friends that I have made.
How do you meet new people? What’s a quality you value in your friends? Drop me a note in the comments!
Namaste.
Author: Dani
Almost Missed an Opportunity
This Mother’s Day I received a very special gift. That was the gift of an opportunity! While enjoying my morning coffee out of the back porch, my adult son came out to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Jake is Autistic and struggles with communication. Our relationship dynamic has had its ups and downs over the years. Lately, I have admittedly been avoiding Jake, due to some triggering behaviors. It was nice to have his recognition on this particular day. Jake asked what I was doing outside and I told him I was bird watching.
I pointed out some goldfinches off in the distance and asked Jake if he could see them. Then I pointed out the Orioles and Grosbeaks. He said they were cool, then added that he hated woodpeckers! What?! Why?! I was very surprised by his comment and inquired why he hated woodpeckers? He remembered that one year when he was a child and some woodpeckers removed many knots in our cedar-sided house and that Dad had to spend a weekend repairing the holes. Here was my opportunity to share my different perspective of nature and birds with my son. And maybe he would understand the magic of Donnie, the Red Bellied Woodpecker!
I explained that the woodpeckers weren’t trying to destroy our house, but they were just doing what birds do naturally. The wood on our house is like the trees in the woods to the woodpeckers. They removed the knots to see if it was a good place to build a home. I explained that God made them with strong beaks for just such a reason.
Jake is a visual learner. I wished that Donnie would have made an appearance while Jake was there so he could witness Donnie’s presence. I told Jake how Donnie was like a guardian angel sent to protect the other birds from the menacing blue jays. I told him how God assigns angels to protect us from harm too. Jake just smiled and went back in the house. I have never pushed my spiritual beliefs onto my boys. I figured that when the time is right we will have that discussion. Today I planted the seed.
Next Bryon came out to the porch to tell me he was leaving to go visit his mother for Mother’s Day. I was about to get out of the hot tub when I noticed some movement in the trees. Could it be? Yup, Donnie was here! I told Bryon Donnie was right behind him. He turned slowly and saw Donnie intently studying him. Bryon observed Donnie’s powerful presence and he commented about it as well. He joked about capturing Donnie. I told him that you can’t capture what he represents. He is bird royalty! Pure, natural, spiritual presence! Something that everyone should strive to become! Donnie doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone. He has mastered the art of “Just Being.” Donnie is my reminder to believe in myself. That is my wish for all who are reading this. In our busy, hectic lives, we should remember to slow down and notice the simple pleasures in each day! Give yourself credit for how far you have come! Always be ready for opportunities to share meaningful insights with others!
How did you learn to accept yourself? What helps you to love your life? Drop me a note in the comments.
Namaste.
Adventures With A Woodpecker Named Donnie
I begin my mornings on the back porch in my hot tub. It’s part of my morning ritual of reflection and gratitude. I recently started feeding the birds. I put out suet, hummingbird, and birdseed feeders. I enjoy watching the interactions between the different species of birds in my yard.
The empath in me eagerly watches each of their different personalities shine through. As a person who struggles with mental illness, I have been trying to find the balance in my life. I am trying to “Just Be.” This is not an easy thing for my overthinking brain to achieve. I live in a hypervigilant state at all times. This is the result of childhood trauma and other things I have experienced over my lifetime. My jaw is always clenched, neck and shoulder are tight and I deal with chronic exhaustion that never goes away. Serenity is worth more to me than money. Watching the birds is very calming for me.
Every bird that visits is unique in its own way, but there’s one who has captured my heart more so than the others. Enter Donnie. Donnie is a Red Bellied Woodpecker. His bright red head obviously caught my attention, but his presence drew me in unlike any other bird. Donnie has a shy curiosity about him. When he is at the suet feeder he slyly peers around the post almost to check and see if notice him. While he’s eating he caws at me as if to say thanks. I caw back in an attempt to connect. It’s almost as if he’s saying to me “I see you. I see how hard you’re trying. You are safe, I am always nearby.” He brings me a sense of comfort. He has the respect of the other birds, too. When he announces his arrival it’s almost as if they clear space for him to eat. I quietly questioned if what I was witnessing was actually happening. My interactions with Donnie seemed to have a greater, more spiritual meaning for me. I wondered if I was reading too much into it, I mean he’s just a bird right? To me, Donnie is a powerful reminder of God’s beautiful creations and protection.
This morning I witnessed the Sparrows, Juncos, Thrushes, and Grosbeaks enjoying their breakfast. Peaceful chirps of happiness, no worries from them. I envied their ability to “Just Be.” Suddenly a group of noisy Grackles arrived. I compare them to a group of noisy teenagers showing up to disrupt the tranquility in the yard. Yet even when they are around, they are respectful of Donnie.
Off in the distance I heard a Blue Jay. I don’t see them often, but their screeching is unmistakable. I recently learned that Blue Jays will eat baby birds. [Yuck, they are the Epsteins of the bird world!] The Blue Jay arrived at the feeder. Within seconds Donnie swooped in and chased off the intruder. I couldn’t believe it! Donnie was protecting his little community, or at least that was how it appeared to me. I was reminded that even though I couldn’t see Donnie before this, he was keeping watch on the community. Much like how Jesus watches over us. He’s always close by. This was my spiritual reminder for today!
I have been striving to understand the reason for living. Surely it’s not just to work and pay taxes, or to acquire things. When God created the world he thought of everything. Everything has a purpose. Everything is vibration and energy that is constantly changing. This world is what we make of it. It can be beautiful and abundant or it can be Hell on Earth. I choose to make this life one that is filled with love and purpose.
I am grateful to my talented husband for building me this beautiful sanctuary. A place for all of God’s creatures to be safe and loved. I am grateful to God for guardian angels like Donnie. Today I am getting better at letting go of things that no longer serve me. I am embracing my ability to “Just Be” – one day at a time.
How do you decompress from life’s stressful times? What is something that you are grateful for today? Drop me a note in the comments.
Namaste.
Embracing the Discomfort From Shame
Shame is described as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. To live with shame is very painful. It makes me uncomfortable just to remember things that caused me shame. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with internal shame that I carried for most of my life. Shame brought on by others as well as myself.
Today instead of picking up a drink, I employ techniques that help me to process emotions that continue flooding my mind. I can see how shame was a contributing factor in my drinking problem. When I journal or write poems about how I am feeling I am able to see what emotions come up often leaving me full of shame. I realize that the numbness from alcohol kept me from processing these events,causing me to keep reliving the shame over and over. A vicious cycle of self hatred and loathing was the result. A crazy merry-go-round that I wanted off of. I prayed for answers.
The answers came to me when writing Dance of the Dragonfly. The shame I struggled with for most of my life was released through my surrender to God. A lifetime of questioning God and why people go through struggles was answered for me. The struggles led me to develop my relationship with God. It gave me understanding of the things I went through. He showed me that they were necessary in helping me to become who I am today. Healing and helping others deal with their struggles in life. Today when I am struggling, instead of throwing my hands up at God, I look for the lesson in the situation. I have learned that discomfort brings growth. I like who I am becoming these days. I have less shame, and way more joy. I have been refined by the struggles of life. A painful, but necessary process. Shame no longer defines me. I know who I am.
Have you struggled with shame? How do you deal with it? I would love to hear from you. Please drop me a comment below.
Namaste.
Make Today THE Day
I awoke this morning filled with pain and rage. Not the way I like to begin my days. I fell yesterday while working and my body is stiff and sore. Pain triggers anger in me. I guess it’s my body trying to protect me somehow. The pain quickly turned to overwhelm and frustration as I tried to get dressed in layers just to take the dogs out. Between the actual pain and being over tired it felt like an unsurmountable task. It seems like I just keep getting over one thing only to have something else try to take me down. This may seem silly to you, but this is my life every day with mental illness.
This morning I was doing my best to get out of my head, because If I am not careful I can quickly spiral down the rabbit hole of negativity. My brain literally tries to take me out of this world everyday. I realize that these are only negative thoughts and they do not have to control my actions. Experience has taught me though that it’s time for some much needed self care.
I am on a quest for balance in my life. As a caregiver, I get too involved in the struggles of the people I care for. I am conscious of giving the things I can’t change to God. I routinely meditate and pray for relief from their problems. The serenity prayer is my daily reminder to do what I can and give the rest to God.
While meditating in the hot tub this morning, I got a message “Make Today The Day.” I pondered the exact meaning of the message. Make the day for self care; for nurturing your inner child. Make today the “someday” that never comes. Tend to your wounded inner child. Nurture yourself and discover serenity. Yes, this would be my day!
Today I’m doing whatever brings me peace. As I was soaking in the hot tub I could feel the tension release from my body. I became one with the water and felt like I was able to just go with the flow. As I exited the hot tub I felt my anger and pain lessen. I knew I was on the right track. I have been neglecting myself. Today I promised to pamper myself and get some much needed rest.
Burnout is common with caregiving. I try to do too much and often I have a hard time saying “No” when I should. I’m a work in progress as I am now aware of my people pleasing past and how that often left me resentful and bitter. I am making progress in that area, but I have a way to go. I know I am ultimately responsible for how I feel and I noticed my need for rest at this time.
After having my mushroom coffee, I took Jake to work and was enjoying having the house to myself. I planned on doing some painting, baking cookies and bread, making a pot of healthy vegetable soup and possibly even reading one of the books I recently acquired. I promised the dogs we could get a walk in the woods sometime today as well. Being out in nature is very grounding to me. Just thinking about it makes me feel calmer already. Finally after getting my appointments completed I will end my day with a relaxing epsom salt bath. Topping it off with my Bellame Lemon sugar scrub with Baobab oil to soften and moisturize my skin. Maybe even truly indulge myself with their clay facial mask. I love having luxurious soft and healthy skin these days. A special treat just for me!
Tomorrow I will be horseback riding with my friend Aimee! Grateful for the beautiful weather we are having right now. I really enjoy our new friendship! I never thought I would be able to ride again. Degenerative disk disease sucks, but doesn’t have to be the end of my fun! With all the exercise and supplements I do, I feel like a whole new person. It takes discipline on my part to keep pushing forward and challenge myself to do the things I have always wanted. For too long I believed I could no longer do the things I enjoyed. I convinced myself that my best days were behind me. I am here to tell you that it wasn’t the case. I have more energy most days than I have ever had before. I am also very mindful to not go back into victim mode in times of struggle, like this morning. Through nurturing and listening to our inner guides we can become the best versions of ourselves. Living a life of purpose has changed my way of thinking. It’s restored my hope. While I struggle at times, I know my struggles won’t last forever. I am grateful for each day and give glory to God for helping me to heal.
How do you deal with bad days? What brings you joy? Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story. Namaste.
Stepping Into Who I Was Meant to Be
Recently I realized that the changes I’ve made in my life over these past few years have literally changed who I am today. Gone from my life today are friends, beliefs, and booze. To be honest I am ok with that. The friends I treasure are those who remain and the new friends I am meeting. The beliefs I held that we would be friends forever have diminished as well. I used to bend over backwards for people. I now know my worth and am selective with my time. I understand that being a friend is a responsibility and I take it very seriously. Friendships take work. Checking in on friends from time to time helps to make sure that your friend feels appreciated and loved. Something we all need. A small act that makes a huge difference.
Maintaining friendships is an act of love. As humans we need connection with others. We need to be part of something bigger than ourselves. These days it seems that everyone is dealing with something. Whether it’s health issues, aging parents, mental health or addiction issues it helps to have a friend during these challenges that happen. I think that my being an empath helps me to see when people are struggling. I immediately jump into action to see how I can help make things a little easier for them. As a caregiver, this sensitivity comes in very handy. I can help my clients through their struggles, not by remedying their problems, but just by being there to hear their story. I thought everyone could interpret others feelings as I do, but learned that that isn’t the case. It is a gift, but at times, I believed it was also a curse.
It is uncomfortable for me to be in large groups of people. I take on others' energy, good or bad. I know this is a difficult concept for those who don’t have this ability, but this is my life. Most of my life I wanted to be numb, because feeling everyone's emotions was confusing and scary at times for me. Since my sobriety I understand that this is what I had been dealing with for the majority of my life. I now give any negative energy to God. I make sure what I feel is truly mine.
I have learned that empaths are born as a trauma response. Heightened perception was developed as a way of protecting me from danger. Reading rooms help me to navigate those who would deplete my energy or cause me harm. These days I listen carefully to my inner guides. Wisdom keeps me focused and living with integrity. I wish to help those I can and inspire people to work on themselves. God has gifted me with health and purpose now. I am stepping into a person that I can be proud of. I am a person of faith, love and forgiveness. I am happier today than I ever believed was possible.
I am able to dream about the future. I am excited for what is to come. Labeled as an alcoholic, or bipolar, wasn’t a reason to give up. It was a challenge to heal. To take back control of my life and become the leader God designed me to be. The challenge was accepted. Today I hardly recognize myself. In 6 years I flipped the script of my life. I said no to alcohol, cigarettes, and junk food. I said yes to developing my relationship with God, exercise, and stepping out of my comfort zone. In my memoir, Dance of the Dragonfly, I learned to embrace discomfort, because I now understand that is how we grow. I no longer run to doctors to fix me or for the next pill to heal me.I take responsibility for myself and my decisions. I treat my body as a temple. I am learning to balance things so I can live my best life. I nurture my relationships and friendships. I am grateful for my circle of friends; my support system. Once lonely, I am now filled with love for others. Believing in myself I can bring forward change and create a more loving world. That’s the plan anyway!
What would you change about yourself if you could? Is friendship important to you? I would love to hear your story. Drop me a note in the comments! Namaste
New Versions of Ourselves
In a daily reflection I realized that I have become a new version of myself. In retrospect I see the older versions I have outgrown. As a child, I was envious of my friends' family lives. They all appeared to be Norman Rockwell like versions of families I longed for. Why wasn’t my family loving and involved in my life? Why didn’t I matter?
As a teen, I was strong willed, rebellious, misunderstood, and on a path of self destruction. Still yearning for the Normal Rockwell version of love and happiness. High School was a blur due to weekend parties and road trips.
In my twenties, I was a party girl. I just wanted to have fun. No career goals or plans, just a dream of finding love and having my own family that would love me. I remember the deep sadness I felt inside was unbearable. I wondered why I was so unlovable? Drinking numbed the pain temporarily. Masking my feelings, playing small and people pleasing behavior became a way of life for me. I struggled to understand myself, but I met Bryon and became a wife and mother at last!
In my thirties, came my health issues and life as an advocate for my son. After the cardiac arrest, I lived with disbelief. I had no memory of the event, only an ICD embedded in my chest as a reminder. Frequent doctor visits and specialists became my norm. It was surreal to me. I put my focus on getting Jake the services he needed to live a normal, peaceful life after recently being diagnosed autistic. I adjusted my life to therapists coming and going from our home each day. I learned everything I could about Autism. I grieved the life I had envisioned for us.
In my forties I experienced great loss after the death of my father, beloved grandmother, and mother within a year and a half of each other. Grief took over my life. Immense pain from the loss and lack of closure from wounds stemming from our dysfunctional family. Then having to remove my sister from life support several years later. I felt like my life was over. I didn’t want to be around any longer. I prayed for God to reunite me with my family as I could no longer endure the loneliness. I prayed for an end to this painful life. I surrendered myself to God. His will be done.
That brings me into my fifties. Today God has blessed me with a new outlook in life. He answered my pleas. He restored the love I had lost for myself. Today I love who I am becoming. I know I am no longer alone. God is with me always. The loneliness has vanished. I now spread joy and love to others who are struggling. My life is better than I believed possible. Life is too short to be miserable. I encourage you to evaluate yourself and see what you can do to make your life a little better. To step into the newest version of yourself. You never know what might happen!
Have you ever thought about the different versions you have become during your lifetime? What are some things you’d like to change about yourself? Do you practice faith or believe in a higher power? How do you get through the difficult seasons in life??
Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste!
TGIF My Reminder of Progress
I remember saying Thank God It’s Friday only to begin my weekend of partying and self destruction. The truth be told, I never waited for Fridays. It was my everyday life with alcohol addiction. How sad it was to live for something that was slowly killing me. Living for the next drink, only to do it again and again and get sicker with each passing day. I was being monitored for a mass in my liver. Thankfully the mass has disappeared miraculously and I am now discharged from hepatology.
One drink was too many, yet 100 was never enough. Crazy, cunning, and baffling that is alcohol addiction. It took the life of my sister and an aunt, both in their forties. I managed to convince myself that it wouldn’t happen to me, but I was damn close to death on several occasions. Two pancreatitis attacks and the last time the doctors urged me to call my children to the hospital to say my goodbyes. I told them “NO” and promised that I would be quitting immediately. I wanted to spare my children the pain of watching me die.
That was well over 6 years ago. Instead of TGIF, today I thanked God for second chances! As I was enjoying my mushroom coffee watching the sunrise in my hottub, I reflected on my past briefly. I am thankful for the lessons. I gained wisdom during my recovery. Wisdom granted me permission to forgive myself. Now I am remembering to give myself grace these days as I try to find balance while I learn to love myself the way I have always needed to. Instead of living in fear of everything, I live fully in the present. I take time to notice the little details in my everyday life. I also take time to check in with myself to see how I am doing throughout the day. I create time for meditation and self reflection to maintain my sobriety and mental health.
I love my life today. I am stepping into the woman I was always meant to be. I know I have many faults, but I am a work in progress. That is good enough for me! I enjoy my job of helping people and am embracing learning new and challenging things. No fear, but fierce determination. I realize each day is a gift and I treat it with gratitude. My time is spent with those that I love. I have nothing to prove to anyone else, but myself. Believe me when I say I am my harshest critic, but I know it holds me accountable so I can continue to grow and help others. Win Win!
How has your life changed over the years? What are your proudest moments? Send me a comment. I would love to hear your story! Namaste!
Finding My Tribe
I recently attended another Mental Health and Addiction Conference. As I drove home I admired the beauty of the Autumn leaves. I could feel the warmth from the sun through the windshield. I reflected on the people that I met at the conference and the stories they told. I smiled as I imagined myself sharing my stories at an upcoming event. My heart is full. I enjoyed meeting so many people who are focused and dedicated to helping others through some of the most incredibly challenging times in their lives. How marvelous to be among these people! These are my kind of people! I feel like I have found where I belong, I finally found my tribe!
I never had many career goals. All I ever wanted was a family that loved me. Grateful that God gave me a wonderful family, but I was somewhat unfulfilled once my children were grown. I longed to be part of a community. I longed for people who cared about others and wanted to be part of the solution. These people epitomized what I needed in a community. I felt like I actually belonged amidst them. A eureka moment for me. I am worthy and I matter. That’s what it means to be healthy and love oneself. A new feeling for me, and I like it!
I spoke to many people and shared that I had recently published my memoir, Dance of the Dragonfly. I inquired about any lived experience storytelling opportunities and handed out bookmarks with my contact information. The response from them was incredible. I felt welcomed by everyone at the event. I used to dread networking, but I think I actually made some new friends by stepping out of my comfort zone. While it can be intimidating, in the end it is very rewarding when you complete the challenge.
I am eager for next year's Mental Health and Addiction Conference at the Kalahari. Seeing familiar faces and making new friends brings me immense joy. Challenging myself to continue to pursue my goals of ending stigma and shame surrounding mental health and addiction. I am determined to continue to work on becoming the best person I can be with the time I have left on this planet. I no longer take life for granted. I embrace everyday and remember to thank God for keeping alive for one more day!
How will you make the most of your day? Have you discovered your passion or purpose in life? Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste!
Making the Most of Each Day
Each night before I go to bed I take an inventory of my day. I thank God for giving me the ability to be of service to others. I look forward to each day and seeing people who are in need of a little kindness. As I reflect on my day I thank God for each encounter. These people have become like family to me. I help to brighten their days and lighten their loads a little. That brings me immense joy.
Yesterday I helped a 90 year old woman with a broken leg by walking her dogs and cutting up a watermelon. Simple things that anyone could do, but few actually do. She recently lost her daughter and took in her pets which added to her already tight budget. She is a real animal lover and couldn’t say no when her daughters' animals needed help. I tidied up her kitchen and we played a word game to pass some time. I see her once every two weeks. She is like family.
I visited next with a 51 year old brain tumor survivor. She was my first client when I began working again over three years ago. We meet weekly to play games and talk about current events. We laugh because neither one of us has any short term memory so often when we are playing games, we forget whose turn it is. It's great that we can laugh about our struggles together. It’s nice to know someone literally understands the struggles of no memory.
This morning I am heading out to see another woman battling cancer. She is also helping me to understand the Bible. I clean for her and then we have a lesson. I really enjoy our Tuesdays together. She isn’t just a client. I am happy to call her my friend.
I will also be seeing another friend who lost her husband last week. He passed due to Alzheimer's and lung cancer shortly after being placed into a nursing home. She did everything she could to keep him out of the nursing home, but her health was taking a hit in trying to take care of him by herself. I can’t wait to see her today and give her a much needed hug. Nothing will bring back her husband, but a hug will let her know that I care.
And finally I will end today by helping a self described hoarder take back her dignity by helping her clean her home. Last week we tackled the kitchen, today we will clean the bathroom. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it means the world to this woman. I have learned that hoarders are simply people who struggle with a disorganized mind, mainly from undiagnosed ADHD. They struggle with freeze paralysis, but if we break things down into teeny tiny baby steps, we are able to help them regain control over things in their lives. It’s an amazing process to watch someone heal and grow. I love being a caregiver.
So many people are silently struggling. I see it daily. This is my life everyday and I wouldn’t change a thing. My heart is full. I live my life today serving others, because this is my purpose. How do you spend your days? What brings you joy? Let me know in the comments. Namaste.