I’m having a day. It’s not been the best day. Things don’t appear to be going as I want them to. I started to unravel a bit. I began to slip down the ”why me” rabbit hole. Then I realized it and slammed on my inner brakes. Nope I’m not going there today. That isn’t the direction I want to go. I had to reach deep within and remember who I am today.
Monday I was rear ended with an elderly client in my car. In a split second my life was compromised. My heart went through a battery of emotions. Fear, anger, and worry flooded my mind after the impact from the crash. At first I didn’t know what had just happened. Next was my immediate concern for my client’s welfare, and then finally assessing the damage both to the car and us. I am getting frustrated with the insurance process and eager to return to work. Here it is, four days later and I have nothing but gratitude to God for sparing me once again. Bruised and sore we walked away from a high impact collision. I felt like I had been spared again.
Today's challenge came from a call from my son’s manager. He has been slacking off at work again and his employer is desperately trying not to fire him. He has been sent home early for his bad attitude several times already. I promised her that I would speak to his case manager to see about getting someone to watch over him at work until he gets his head back in the game. They have made a colossal effort in tolerating Jake's behavior.
Jake has Autism and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I knew nothing about either of these things prior to Jake's diagnosis. I am having to figure things out with Jake as he gets older and more defiant in his ways. As an empath I have attempted to appeal to Jake on an emotional level to no avail. My struggles with mental health are triggered by his behavior. Through therapy I have tried to manage how I react to him. Due to my own childhood trauma I am deeply aware that my reactions will have profound effects on Jake and I do my best to remain calm and choose my words carefully. I try to help him to understand the error of his ways without inflicting more harm during the interaction. However, once I’m triggered it becomes incredibly difficult to be kind. I feel like a horrible person for losing my cool. Frustrated by a 6 ft 1 inch, 26-year-old man-child with the IQ of a seven year old. Jake thinks he knows “everything” and refuses to listen to anyone other than his fantasy friends in Playstation World. The same friends who have convinced him to get fired so they can play more games together. I told him he was getting really bad advice from complete strangers that he has never met and that they were not acting in his best interest. He thinks I’m clueless and just like to nag like all mothers in his eyes.
I am sharing this story because I know I am not alone in this. When Jake was first diagnosed 25 years ago the ratio of children with autism was 1:168. Today it is a shocking 1:38. Our schools are full of children like Jake. Once out of the school system we are left to find appropriate places for them. Newsflash: all of these places have intensive waitlists! Over 300 people like Jake need help and a safe place to live. While many kids Jake's age are graduating from college, getting married, or following career goals, Jake prefers to just live in his room and play video games until eternity. I need to accept Jake as he is, but I can’t. All I see is a scared child who doesn’t see the potential that Jake has to offer. I understand this because I was a scared child once too. I didn’t have people supporting me throughout my life. I didn’t have parents who encouraged and supported me like I do for my son. Why can’t he understand I just want what's best for him? I see someone I can no longer relate to. Someone who I am really beginning to resent and it terrifies me. This isn’t about controlling Jake but trying to get him ready for the next transition in his life.
Jake and I talked about things. I think he heard what I said. I have thought this before though. He seemed to understand the error of his ways and has agreed to make a better effort at work. We will see if he actually follows through this time and does what he has promised. I pray that he understands the importance of keeping his word.
There are no good solutions for this situation. The group homes are not ideal for Jake. The independent living apartments for people like Jake have three-year wait lists. Jake is turning 27 next week, but he is still very naive and childlike. We are trying our best to give him the most independent life possible and yet still be able to help him make the right choices in life and to be safe. It’s a tricky balance and I know there is a reason for everything.
God gifted us with Jake because He knew we would love him no matter what. I have always been deeply invested in all our children. It was my dream in life to become a mother. I promised God I would be the best mother ever. I would give my children all the love my parents couldn’t give me. In true Dani form I gave them everything. All my love, time, effort, and patience that I could muster. When we suspected that something was different with Jake I got him into every specialist available until we figured it out. I allowed therapists to come to my home for 40 hours a week of intense therapy to give him the best shot at living a normal life. I followed the doctor's advice and medicated him to help him to focus. All he focused on was these damn video games and online gaming communities. I have a son who’s addicted to gaming. We both have addictive personalities. For years I admittedly used alcohol as my coping mechanism with these types of struggles. That is no longer an option for me. I don't encourage anyone to rely on alcohol for relief of their problems. (That’s a story for another time.)
These days I surrender my problems to God. Days of overwhelm and exhaustion have proven it to be the best remedy for times like these. I am so grateful for my spiritual awakening. God is my comfort. Amor Fati. I am grateful for it all. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I know God will make a way for us. I smile even through the storm because he has given me strength and perseverance. I will never give up on Jake. I will make a way with God at my side.
How do you deal with struggles? What gives you purpose? I would love to hear from you. Do you have any ideas on how we can change things for others like Jake? I would love to brainstorm with other people in similar situations. Send me your thoughts and ideas.
Namaste.
This One Is Personal
