Last week while my husband and I were out working in the yard, Bryon asked if I would like to have some edging put around my new herbal garden. I quickly responded with an eager “Yes!” After planting this herbal garden a few weeks prior I noticed how quickly the grass was moving in trying to reclaim its former spot. We needed some kind of barrier to keep the grass out of the herbal bed. Bryon wasted no time getting the materials he needed like the edging material, a spade, and a hoe and began the installation. I busied myself by playing with the new puppy and weeding a nearby bed.
As he tried to install the edging I noticed it wasn’t going to be an easy undertaking. I could hear him struggling and swearing from the instant he started the project. We live in a river valley and our yard is mainly sand. You would think it would be simple to just push the edging into the sand, but that isn’t how it went. The edging consisted of a thick black plastic material about 5 inches wide that needed to be buried around the bed. The herbs were already planted in a bed around the base of a tree in our yard. As Bryon tried to “plant” the edging he ran into problems due to roots from the huge tree. He had to get an axe and actually cut through the roots so he could bury the edging strip. What should have been a relatively simple task became a laborious undertaking and it took him all afternoon to get it done. I am grateful for his determination! It turned out beautiful and the landscaping edging will help keep my herbal garden weed free.
Establishing boundaries is rarely an easy thing to do. I know because after getting sober I had to establish some boundaries of my own. I had to let people know that it was necessary for me to implement these boundaries to maintain my sobriety. I wanted everyone to understand that I had allowed them to treat me certain ways because I feared rejection. I previously tolerated things that now I no longer will. It was a matter of learning to love myself and standing my ground.
During my recovery I had to learn to advocate for myself. I had to learn to love myself. That might come easy for others but it has been a lifelong challenge for me. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) I would take what people would say to me to heart. Playful teasing or taunting me would send me into a self sabotaging inner tirade. My inner self dialogue has always been worse than anything anyone could ever inflict on me. I always felt unworthy, fat, and unlovable, but now I am able to give myself grace thanks to my relationship with God. I no longer believe that old dialogue.
While I never had any problem advocating for others, I struggled doing it for myself. I never felt worthy of better treatment from others until recently when I started to establish my own boundaries. Like Bryon and the edging it wasn’t an easy thing to implement. Like the roots, I ran into some resistance from my friends and family. A few arguments resulted when I actually insisted that they respect my new boundaries. It would have been easier at times to just go back to the way things were, to the familiar, but this time I vowed would be my last chance at sobriety. My life depended on it and so did my family. I had to stand my ground.
I read a quote from Brene Brown “Daring to set boundaries is about courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” That was life altering for me. Most of my life I developed codependent relationships with others due to my own internal insecurities. I desperately wanted others to like me. I was forever masking my authentic self because I feared no one could possibly like me for just me. I hated myself. I expected that if others knew the real me that they would hate me too. However, during this masking process, I had actually forgotten who I was or wanted to be. I understand now that boundaries are actually a sign of self respect. Establishing boundaries is also an exceptional way to learn who your friends are and who are actually imposters or simply using you for something.
I wish I had learned this valuable lesson earlier in my life. During my recovery from alcoholism and other health issues many of my friends disappeared. The loneliness felt overwhelming. The despair and anguish was unbearable at times. Why was I so unlovable that everyone was too busy to pick up the phone and check on me? Did anyone ever give a shit about me at all?
It was a painful wake up call for my soul. I realized that I held space for these people that would never be reciprocated. It was a bitter pill for me to swallow, but I managed. I decided to change my environment. I needed a new tribe. I surrendered my worries to God and prayed for new friends. It took some time, but my answered prayer has brought about a new group of friends who accept and support me for being me. that I am better fit for. A group of friends who empower one another. People who are in it for the long haul. God also gave me the ability to just be myself and revealed to me that I am enough as I am.
With practice setting boundaries gets easier. Once you develop a belief in yourself you will have no problem with boundaries. Those who disrespect your boundaries do not gain access to the new and improved version of yourself. Plain and simple. Life is way too short.
Prayers for discernment may actually help you to attract authentic people into your world and to help keep out phony friends. You will attract people with morals and integrity instead of people with their own agenda. It will feel right when you encounter the right friends.
My life is better today than I’d ever imagined possible. I give the glory to God for giving me the courage to become the person I am today. I used to fear that people would run when I established my boundaries but actually it cleared the way for a new and more fulfilling relationship with the right people.
I no longer fear being old alone for God has proved to me once again that He is with me always. I shall not fear. While boundaries are imperative for us here on earth God’s love for us has no boundaries. He thought of everything including the ability to set boundaries to protect ourselves from harm from others.
Do you have boundaries? Are there limits to what you can take from others or does it just roll off your back? What boundaries do you have the most trouble implementing?
Add a comment below to share your ideas for the best way that you set boundaries. For those of you standing with your boundaries I applaud you. While it’s not easy, it must be done.
Namaste.
Creating Boundaries
