I’m having a day. It’s not been the best day. Things don’t appear to be going as I want them to. I started to unravel a bit. I began to slip down the ”why me” rabbit hole. Then I realized it and slammed on my inner brakes. Nope I’m not going there today. That isn’t the direction I want to go. I had to reach deep within and remember who I am today.
Monday I was rear ended with an elderly client in my car. In a split second my life was compromised. My heart went through a battery of emotions. Fear, anger, and worry flooded my mind after the impact from the crash. At first I didn’t know what had just happened. Next was my immediate concern for my client’s welfare, and then finally assessing the damage both to the car and us. I am getting frustrated with the insurance process and eager to return to work. Here it is, four days later and I have nothing but gratitude to God for sparing me once again. Bruised and sore we walked away from a high impact collision. I felt like I had been spared again.
Today's challenge came from a call from my son’s manager. He has been slacking off at work again and his employer is desperately trying not to fire him. He has been sent home early for his bad attitude several times already. I promised her that I would speak to his case manager to see about getting someone to watch over him at work until he gets his head back in the game. They have made a colossal effort in tolerating Jake's behavior.
Jake has Autism and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I knew nothing about either of these things prior to Jake's diagnosis. I am having to figure things out with Jake as he gets older and more defiant in his ways. As an empath I have attempted to appeal to Jake on an emotional level to no avail. My struggles with mental health are triggered by his behavior. Through therapy I have tried to manage how I react to him. Due to my own childhood trauma I am deeply aware that my reactions will have profound effects on Jake and I do my best to remain calm and choose my words carefully. I try to help him to understand the error of his ways without inflicting more harm during the interaction. However, once I’m triggered it becomes incredibly difficult to be kind. I feel like a horrible person for losing my cool. Frustrated by a 6 ft 1 inch, 26-year-old man-child with the IQ of a seven year old. Jake thinks he knows “everything” and refuses to listen to anyone other than his fantasy friends in Playstation World. The same friends who have convinced him to get fired so they can play more games together. I told him he was getting really bad advice from complete strangers that he has never met and that they were not acting in his best interest. He thinks I’m clueless and just like to nag like all mothers in his eyes.
I am sharing this story because I know I am not alone in this. When Jake was first diagnosed 25 years ago the ratio of children with autism was 1:168. Today it is a shocking 1:38. Our schools are full of children like Jake. Once out of the school system we are left to find appropriate places for them. Newsflash: all of these places have intensive waitlists! Over 300 people like Jake need help and a safe place to live. While many kids Jake's age are graduating from college, getting married, or following career goals, Jake prefers to just live in his room and play video games until eternity. I need to accept Jake as he is, but I can’t. All I see is a scared child who doesn’t see the potential that Jake has to offer. I understand this because I was a scared child once too. I didn’t have people supporting me throughout my life. I didn’t have parents who encouraged and supported me like I do for my son. Why can’t he understand I just want what's best for him? I see someone I can no longer relate to. Someone who I am really beginning to resent and it terrifies me. This isn’t about controlling Jake but trying to get him ready for the next transition in his life.
Jake and I talked about things. I think he heard what I said. I have thought this before though. He seemed to understand the error of his ways and has agreed to make a better effort at work. We will see if he actually follows through this time and does what he has promised. I pray that he understands the importance of keeping his word.
There are no good solutions for this situation. The group homes are not ideal for Jake. The independent living apartments for people like Jake have three-year wait lists. Jake is turning 27 next week, but he is still very naive and childlike. We are trying our best to give him the most independent life possible and yet still be able to help him make the right choices in life and to be safe. It’s a tricky balance and I know there is a reason for everything.
God gifted us with Jake because He knew we would love him no matter what. I have always been deeply invested in all our children. It was my dream in life to become a mother. I promised God I would be the best mother ever. I would give my children all the love my parents couldn’t give me. In true Dani form I gave them everything. All my love, time, effort, and patience that I could muster. When we suspected that something was different with Jake I got him into every specialist available until we figured it out. I allowed therapists to come to my home for 40 hours a week of intense therapy to give him the best shot at living a normal life. I followed the doctor's advice and medicated him to help him to focus. All he focused on was these damn video games and online gaming communities. I have a son who’s addicted to gaming. We both have addictive personalities. For years I admittedly used alcohol as my coping mechanism with these types of struggles. That is no longer an option for me. I don't encourage anyone to rely on alcohol for relief of their problems. (That’s a story for another time.)
These days I surrender my problems to God. Days of overwhelm and exhaustion have proven it to be the best remedy for times like these. I am so grateful for my spiritual awakening. God is my comfort. Amor Fati. I am grateful for it all. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I know God will make a way for us. I smile even through the storm because he has given me strength and perseverance. I will never give up on Jake. I will make a way with God at my side.
How do you deal with struggles? What gives you purpose? I would love to hear from you. Do you have any ideas on how we can change things for others like Jake? I would love to brainstorm with other people in similar situations. Send me your thoughts and ideas.
Namaste.
Category: Inspired
Grateful for My Guardian Angels
Much like a cat with nine lives, I too have experienced several brushes with death. Yesterday was another reminder of just how quickly things can and do change. While out with a client I was rear ended by an inattentive driver. Our beautiful outing quickly turned into an emergency situation. When the car was struck, the airbags deployed leaving both of us with injuries but alive and able to function. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. I sustained some hearing loss from the explosion of the air bags. I will be following up with audiology to see if it is permanent. My left arm is swollen and bruised. I am stiff and sore but that was to be expected. My car worked as it was designed and protected me from serious injury. I am grateful that it wasn’t worse. I am sure everything will work out as it should. It’s just a hassle to find a new vehicle, but I am grateful that I will be getting a replacement very soon. Once again, I have walked away from what could have been my end.
God has protected me even when I felt unworthy. God's love for us is never ending. He is always by my side. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper. In Jesus name. Amen.” A very powerful prayer. I smiled today as I uttered “Not today Satan!” Feeling as if I just deflected another spiritual attack from demons.
As I learn more things from the Bible, I realize that days like yesterday prove how determined these demons are to kill those who are strong believers in Christ. I am divinely protected by God’s love. I finally understand how powerful my faith has become over the past few years. I do not live with fear. I surrendered my life to God and am finally free from worries that plagued me for most of my life. I have an inner peace that doesn’t waver. That is what it means to be loved by Jesus Christ.
I’m sure there will be more challenges ahead for me, but I will get through them. I am closing in on six years of sobriety in August. It is hard to believe it happened as a result of exploring my relationship with God. I see how these trials in life have helped me to build resilience. I know He’s been with me through it all. I see the miracles He’s made possible for me. The reversal of health issues, my recovery from alcoholism, the protection from things seen and unseen, and finally having peace and serenity in my life. I am most grateful for His grace and mercy even though I am an imperfect creature.
Six years ago I was at my lowest and wanting to end my life. Jesus restored my strength and gave me hope. I love who I am becoming with every passing day. He showed me my purpose in life. Now I can return the favor by spreading his word and helping people in my community! Life has never been better, even while a little bruised and battered, I am happy to be here today!
Have you had any close calls in your life? Do you have faith? How do you cope with challenges? Drop me a note and share your story. Namaste!
Creating Boundaries
Last week while my husband and I were out working in the yard, Bryon asked if I would like to have some edging put around my new herbal garden. I quickly responded with an eager “Yes!” After planting this herbal garden a few weeks prior I noticed how quickly the grass was moving in trying to reclaim its former spot. We needed some kind of barrier to keep the grass out of the herbal bed. Bryon wasted no time getting the materials he needed like the edging material, a spade, and a hoe and began the installation. I busied myself by playing with the new puppy and weeding a nearby bed.
As he tried to install the edging I noticed it wasn’t going to be an easy undertaking. I could hear him struggling and swearing from the instant he started the project. We live in a river valley and our yard is mainly sand. You would think it would be simple to just push the edging into the sand, but that isn’t how it went. The edging consisted of a thick black plastic material about 5 inches wide that needed to be buried around the bed. The herbs were already planted in a bed around the base of a tree in our yard. As Bryon tried to “plant” the edging he ran into problems due to roots from the huge tree. He had to get an axe and actually cut through the roots so he could bury the edging strip. What should have been a relatively simple task became a laborious undertaking and it took him all afternoon to get it done. I am grateful for his determination! It turned out beautiful and the landscaping edging will help keep my herbal garden weed free.
Establishing boundaries is rarely an easy thing to do. I know because after getting sober I had to establish some boundaries of my own. I had to let people know that it was necessary for me to implement these boundaries to maintain my sobriety. I wanted everyone to understand that I had allowed them to treat me certain ways because I feared rejection. I previously tolerated things that now I no longer will. It was a matter of learning to love myself and standing my ground.
During my recovery I had to learn to advocate for myself. I had to learn to love myself. That might come easy for others but it has been a lifelong challenge for me. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) I would take what people would say to me to heart. Playful teasing or taunting me would send me into a self sabotaging inner tirade. My inner self dialogue has always been worse than anything anyone could ever inflict on me. I always felt unworthy, fat, and unlovable, but now I am able to give myself grace thanks to my relationship with God. I no longer believe that old dialogue.
While I never had any problem advocating for others, I struggled doing it for myself. I never felt worthy of better treatment from others until recently when I started to establish my own boundaries. Like Bryon and the edging it wasn’t an easy thing to implement. Like the roots, I ran into some resistance from my friends and family. A few arguments resulted when I actually insisted that they respect my new boundaries. It would have been easier at times to just go back to the way things were, to the familiar, but this time I vowed would be my last chance at sobriety. My life depended on it and so did my family. I had to stand my ground.
I read a quote from Brene Brown “Daring to set boundaries is about courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” That was life altering for me. Most of my life I developed codependent relationships with others due to my own internal insecurities. I desperately wanted others to like me. I was forever masking my authentic self because I feared no one could possibly like me for just me. I hated myself. I expected that if others knew the real me that they would hate me too. However, during this masking process, I had actually forgotten who I was or wanted to be. I understand now that boundaries are actually a sign of self respect. Establishing boundaries is also an exceptional way to learn who your friends are and who are actually imposters or simply using you for something.
I wish I had learned this valuable lesson earlier in my life. During my recovery from alcoholism and other health issues many of my friends disappeared. The loneliness felt overwhelming. The despair and anguish was unbearable at times. Why was I so unlovable that everyone was too busy to pick up the phone and check on me? Did anyone ever give a shit about me at all?
It was a painful wake up call for my soul. I realized that I held space for these people that would never be reciprocated. It was a bitter pill for me to swallow, but I managed. I decided to change my environment. I needed a new tribe. I surrendered my worries to God and prayed for new friends. It took some time, but my answered prayer has brought about a new group of friends who accept and support me for being me. that I am better fit for. A group of friends who empower one another. People who are in it for the long haul. God also gave me the ability to just be myself and revealed to me that I am enough as I am.
With practice setting boundaries gets easier. Once you develop a belief in yourself you will have no problem with boundaries. Those who disrespect your boundaries do not gain access to the new and improved version of yourself. Plain and simple. Life is way too short.
Prayers for discernment may actually help you to attract authentic people into your world and to help keep out phony friends. You will attract people with morals and integrity instead of people with their own agenda. It will feel right when you encounter the right friends.
My life is better today than I’d ever imagined possible. I give the glory to God for giving me the courage to become the person I am today. I used to fear that people would run when I established my boundaries but actually it cleared the way for a new and more fulfilling relationship with the right people.
I no longer fear being old alone for God has proved to me once again that He is with me always. I shall not fear. While boundaries are imperative for us here on earth God’s love for us has no boundaries. He thought of everything including the ability to set boundaries to protect ourselves from harm from others.
Do you have boundaries? Are there limits to what you can take from others or does it just roll off your back? What boundaries do you have the most trouble implementing?
Add a comment below to share your ideas for the best way that you set boundaries. For those of you standing with your boundaries I applaud you. While it’s not easy, it must be done.
Namaste.
Discomfort is needed for growth
Gardening these past few weeks has given me better insight into the circle of life. I have witnessed growth from a tiny seed to plants now bearing fruits. I think about the process. Growth only occurs after the seed goes through a full metamorphosis that leaves it looking nothing like a seed any longer. It becomes a completely new being when it transforms into the plant it was meant to be. It had to endure a difficult process of leaving the plant that produced the seed, going through a drying/dormant period before being placed beneath the soil in complete darkness to develop into the plant it was designed for. Then as life happens, it endures discomfort as its outer shell gives way to the plant springing up from inside of it. It grows upward towards the warmth of the sun, breaking through the soil and revealing the new growth. Emerging to become the plant it was always destined to become a beautiful flower or vegetable. Growing wasn't an easy or fast process. It was crucial to go through each step however to become what it was meant to be. As I admire my garden growing, I am reminded that none of my plants resisted or complained to me during this process. Oh how I wish I could silently embrace the painful lessons in life like my plants. Why must I feel everything so deeply?
Aging is helping me to understand that life is not quite as simple as a seed growing. As people we do not like discomfort. We will do whatever it takes to avoid pain at all costs. Got a headache? Take a pill. Boyfriend left you? Find another. Lost your job? You didn't like it anyway. We quickly move away from discomfort. We look away. We rationalize things we don't understand. We dismiss new ideas because change is uncomfortable. We find excuses for why we can't do things instead of challenging ourselves. In avoiding our discomfort we are doing ourselves a disservice for it is in stepping out of our comfort zones that we learn and grow. It is how God designed us. He gave us curiosity so we would want to understand things. He gave us our brains for reasoning and contemplation. He gave us untapped potential to make us able to achieve whatever we wanted. He gave us courage to attempt new things. He understood we are fearful of new things. He promised to never leave us and gave us strength. We prove our love for Him when we have faith in what will be. When we push through the discomfort believing in better things. Believing that God's got our backs. Today I promise to embrace any discomfort that may come my way. I will look for the lessons that it brings and give gratitude for the good things. Discomfort isn't fun, but what lies on the other side is so worthwhile, fruits of a life well lived.
How do you deal with discomfort? Do you avoid it whenever possible, or do you handle it with grace? What makes you uncomfortable and how do you handle it?
Share your thoughts below or tell your story of handling your discomfort.
Namaste.
Summer is Here
Today marks the summer solstice. It was a beautiful day here once the rain stopped. When the sun made its appearance the temperatures rose quickly into the 80s. My son and I went to lunch at a local place that is located on the Wisconsin River. It was hopping with activity. People were arriving with their families to check into the campground eager to begin their summer vacations. Smiles and laughter from the kids excited to cool off in the river or pool.
Brody and I sat at the bar and enjoyed the beautiful scenery. The view of the river is priceless. The driftless area is gorgeous. Rolling hills and prairies that span as far as the eye can see. The sun's reflection on the water is mesmerizing. In the summer everything is in bloom. Wildflowers growing along the roads always bring a smile to my face. I know the bees are sure grateful for the ample food supply.
Summer days like these remind me of my youth. Days spent at my grandmother's cabin on the river fishing with my grandma. Then after she cleaned her fish, she would plant the entrails in the garden to be used as fertilizer. It must've been beneficial because she always had an abundant garden and was sure to share the veggies with her friends.Planting the garden with my grandma was something I used to dread. Now today I have my own garden to tend to and I love it. Funny how life has a way of reversing our beliefs. Do you garden? Do you enjoy gardening or is it just another chore to endure?
What I wouldn’t give for more free time to enjoy all the beauty that Wisconsin has to offer. There truly is something for everyone. Great lakes and rivers for water activities, prairies and wildflowers to explore. Summer festivals in small towns. Hiking and camping at various destinations. There are things happening every weekend to fill your calendar. What do you enjoy doing during your summer?
Whatever it is that you enjoy doing during the summer, let this be your reminder to stop and enjoy the beauty around you. Be sure to look for the glimmers while you are out. Be sure to thank God for the life He has blessed you with today.
What does summer mean to you? Share your answers below.
Mirror Revelation
I had a type of revelation this morning when I woke up. This morning when I walked into the bathroom I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I didn't cringe like I normally do. I didn't notice the bags under my eyes or the wrinkles on my face. Big deal? It is for me! I have body dysmorphia which means I struggle to like myself, which might seem strange as a former child model. However, I was only valued for my appearance.
I find it ironic that I could appreciate the beauty of others, but never saw it in myself. A critical inner dialogue constantly playing in my mind. The zit that would appear on my face before a special occasion could send me into a tailspin of self loathing. A snide remark from someone about my weight would trigger binges with laxatives and diuretics. I even started smoking cigarettes in high school because someone told me it could help me lose weight. I did lose some weight but quickly became addicted to them as well. I never felt good enough at anything in life. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not popular enough, etc. I straight up hated everything about myself.
This morning when I looked at myself I noticed a softer, gentler person. It wasn't about beauty but about self acceptance. I am finally able to love myself. Because of my struggles with body dysmorphia it has taken 56 years for this to happen. The person who felt unworthy, ugly, and unlovable no longer controls me. I have been redeemed by the grace of God. I now understand that I was created in His design with the purpose of helping others. I was never meant to be perfect, and I am ok being perfectly imperfect. Jesus Christ is the only perfect human. I strive to be more like Jesus every day.
I now realize that comparison is the thief of joy. In trying to be perfect I lost sight of myself and what is really important in life. I was so worried about how I appeared to others that I lost sight of my own identity. I told myself I was never good enough. Comparison kept me stuck. We are all different and have unique things about us that make each of us special. By looking inward I discovered that I am a compassionate and empathetic person. I have a lot to offer and I am worthy.
Who I am inside has nothing to do with external beauty because that only lasts for so long. I am an empath, which means I feel others' energy. For years I thought everyone can do this, but when I started on my journey of self-love I discovered that not everyone can. I relate to people’s feelings and vibrations. I am also somewhat of a human lie detector. Who knew? I always just assumed others were able to do the same. Feeling someone's energy gives me the ability to understand what they are going through. It helps us to connect. That is so much cooler than just a pretty face right? At age 56 I would rather have friends who love me rather than a lean, perfect body.
Thank you Jesus for redeeming me from these over intrusive thoughts.
The woman looking back at me has found peace and can now love herself. She has gained wisdom from her trials. She has forgiven things that happened to her. She has taken steps to improve her health and attitude. She sets goals and completes them. She is a survivor. I love the person I am becoming. I am grateful for my life today. My dreams are turning into realities. I now know serenity and bliss. I owe everything to my savior, Jesus Christ. I know His love for me has given me a chance at redemption. I will do everything today with love and gratitude.
Because of Jesus now I am proud to call the woman in the mirror my friend.
What things do you do to take care of yourself? Do you have a self care routine? Are your thoughts about yourself true?
I find it ironic that I could appreciate the beauty of others, but never saw it in myself. A critical inner dialogue constantly playing in my mind. The zit that would appear on my face before a special occasion could send me into a tailspin of self loathing. A snide remark from someone about my weight would trigger binges with laxatives and diuretics. I even started smoking cigarettes in high school because someone told me it could help me lose weight. I did lose some weight but quickly became addicted to them as well. I never felt good enough at anything in life. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not popular enough, etc. I straight up hated everything about myself.
This morning when I looked at myself I noticed a softer, gentler person. It wasn't about beauty but about self acceptance. I am finally able to love myself. Because of my struggles with body dysmorphia it has taken 56 years for this to happen. The person who felt unworthy, ugly, and unlovable no longer controls me. I have been redeemed by the grace of God. I now understand that I was created in His design with the purpose of helping others. I was never meant to be perfect, and I am ok being perfectly imperfect. Jesus Christ is the only perfect human. I strive to be more like Jesus every day.
I now realize that comparison is the thief of joy. In trying to be perfect I lost sight of myself and what is really important in life. I was so worried about how I appeared to others that I lost sight of my own identity. I told myself I was never good enough. Comparison kept me stuck. We are all different and have unique things about us that make each of us special. By looking inward I discovered that I am a compassionate and empathetic person. I have a lot to offer and I am worthy.
Who I am inside has nothing to do with external beauty because that only lasts for so long. I am an empath, which means I feel others' energy. For years I thought everyone can do this, but when I started on my journey of self-love I discovered that not everyone can. I relate to people’s feelings and vibrations. I am also somewhat of a human lie detector. Who knew? I always just assumed others were able to do the same. Feeling someone's energy gives me the ability to understand what they are going through. It helps us to connect. That is so much cooler than just a pretty face right? At age 56 I would rather have friends who love me rather than a lean, perfect body.
Thank you Jesus for redeeming me from these over intrusive thoughts.
The woman looking back at me has found peace and can now love herself. She has gained wisdom from her trials. She has forgiven things that happened to her. She has taken steps to improve her health and attitude. She sets goals and completes them. She is a survivor. I love the person I am becoming. I am grateful for my life today. My dreams are turning into realities. I now know serenity and bliss. I owe everything to my savior, Jesus Christ. I know His love for me has given me a chance at redemption. I will do everything today with love and gratitude.
Because of Jesus now I am proud to call the woman in the mirror my friend.
What things do you do to take care of yourself? Do you have a self care routine? Are your thoughts about yourself true?