Shame is described as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. To live with shame is very painful. It makes me uncomfortable just to remember things that caused me shame. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with internal shame that I carried for most of my life. Shame brought on by others as well as myself.
Today instead of picking up a drink, I employ techniques that help me to process emotions that continue flooding my mind. I can see how shame was a contributing factor in my drinking problem. When I journal or write poems about how I am feeling I am able to see what emotions come up often leaving me full of shame. I realize that the numbness from alcohol kept me from processing these events,causing me to keep reliving the shame over and over. A vicious cycle of self hatred and loathing was the result. A crazy merry-go-round that I wanted off of. I prayed for answers.
The answers came to me when writing Dance of the Dragonfly. The shame I struggled with for most of my life was released through my surrender to God. A lifetime of questioning God and why people go through struggles was answered for me. The struggles led me to develop my relationship with God. It gave me understanding of the things I went through. He showed me that they were necessary in helping me to become who I am today. Healing and helping others deal with their struggles in life. Today when I am struggling, instead of throwing my hands up at God, I look for the lesson in the situation. I have learned that discomfort brings growth. I like who I am becoming these days. I have less shame, and way more joy. I have been refined by the struggles of life. A painful, but necessary process. Shame no longer defines me. I know who I am.
Have you struggled with shame? How do you deal with it? I would love to hear from you. Please drop me a comment below.
Namaste.
Author: Dani
Make Today THE Day
I awoke this morning filled with pain and rage. Not the way I like to begin my days. I fell yesterday while working and my body is stiff and sore. Pain triggers anger in me. I guess it’s my body trying to protect me somehow. The pain quickly turned to overwhelm and frustration as I tried to get dressed in layers just to take the dogs out. Between the actual pain and being over tired it felt like an unsurmountable task. It seems like I just keep getting over one thing only to have something else try to take me down. This may seem silly to you, but this is my life every day with mental illness.
This morning I was doing my best to get out of my head, because If I am not careful I can quickly spiral down the rabbit hole of negativity. My brain literally tries to take me out of this world everyday. I realize that these are only negative thoughts and they do not have to control my actions. Experience has taught me though that it’s time for some much needed self care.
I am on a quest for balance in my life. As a caregiver, I get too involved in the struggles of the people I care for. I am conscious of giving the things I can’t change to God. I routinely meditate and pray for relief from their problems. The serenity prayer is my daily reminder to do what I can and give the rest to God.
While meditating in the hot tub this morning, I got a message “Make Today The Day.” I pondered the exact meaning of the message. Make the day for self care; for nurturing your inner child. Make today the “someday” that never comes. Tend to your wounded inner child. Nurture yourself and discover serenity. Yes, this would be my day!
Today I’m doing whatever brings me peace. As I was soaking in the hot tub I could feel the tension release from my body. I became one with the water and felt like I was able to just go with the flow. As I exited the hot tub I felt my anger and pain lessen. I knew I was on the right track. I have been neglecting myself. Today I promised to pamper myself and get some much needed rest.
Burnout is common with caregiving. I try to do too much and often I have a hard time saying “No” when I should. I’m a work in progress as I am now aware of my people pleasing past and how that often left me resentful and bitter. I am making progress in that area, but I have a way to go. I know I am ultimately responsible for how I feel and I noticed my need for rest at this time.
After having my mushroom coffee, I took Jake to work and was enjoying having the house to myself. I planned on doing some painting, baking cookies and bread, making a pot of healthy vegetable soup and possibly even reading one of the books I recently acquired. I promised the dogs we could get a walk in the woods sometime today as well. Being out in nature is very grounding to me. Just thinking about it makes me feel calmer already. Finally after getting my appointments completed I will end my day with a relaxing epsom salt bath. Topping it off with my Bellame Lemon sugar scrub with Baobab oil to soften and moisturize my skin. Maybe even truly indulge myself with their clay facial mask. I love having luxurious soft and healthy skin these days. A special treat just for me!
Tomorrow I will be horseback riding with my friend Aimee! Grateful for the beautiful weather we are having right now. I really enjoy our new friendship! I never thought I would be able to ride again. Degenerative disk disease sucks, but doesn’t have to be the end of my fun! With all the exercise and supplements I do, I feel like a whole new person. It takes discipline on my part to keep pushing forward and challenge myself to do the things I have always wanted. For too long I believed I could no longer do the things I enjoyed. I convinced myself that my best days were behind me. I am here to tell you that it wasn’t the case. I have more energy most days than I have ever had before. I am also very mindful to not go back into victim mode in times of struggle, like this morning. Through nurturing and listening to our inner guides we can become the best versions of ourselves. Living a life of purpose has changed my way of thinking. It’s restored my hope. While I struggle at times, I know my struggles won’t last forever. I am grateful for each day and give glory to God for helping me to heal.
How do you deal with bad days? What brings you joy? Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story. Namaste.
Stepping Into Who I Was Meant to Be
Recently I realized that the changes I’ve made in my life over these past few years have literally changed who I am today. Gone from my life today are friends, beliefs, and booze. To be honest I am ok with that. The friends I treasure are those who remain and the new friends I am meeting. The beliefs I held that we would be friends forever have diminished as well. I used to bend over backwards for people. I now know my worth and am selective with my time. I understand that being a friend is a responsibility and I take it very seriously. Friendships take work. Checking in on friends from time to time helps to make sure that your friend feels appreciated and loved. Something we all need. A small act that makes a huge difference.
Maintaining friendships is an act of love. As humans we need connection with others. We need to be part of something bigger than ourselves. These days it seems that everyone is dealing with something. Whether it’s health issues, aging parents, mental health or addiction issues it helps to have a friend during these challenges that happen. I think that my being an empath helps me to see when people are struggling. I immediately jump into action to see how I can help make things a little easier for them. As a caregiver, this sensitivity comes in very handy. I can help my clients through their struggles, not by remedying their problems, but just by being there to hear their story. I thought everyone could interpret others feelings as I do, but learned that that isn’t the case. It is a gift, but at times, I believed it was also a curse.
It is uncomfortable for me to be in large groups of people. I take on others' energy, good or bad. I know this is a difficult concept for those who don’t have this ability, but this is my life. Most of my life I wanted to be numb, because feeling everyone's emotions was confusing and scary at times for me. Since my sobriety I understand that this is what I had been dealing with for the majority of my life. I now give any negative energy to God. I make sure what I feel is truly mine.
I have learned that empaths are born as a trauma response. Heightened perception was developed as a way of protecting me from danger. Reading rooms help me to navigate those who would deplete my energy or cause me harm. These days I listen carefully to my inner guides. Wisdom keeps me focused and living with integrity. I wish to help those I can and inspire people to work on themselves. God has gifted me with health and purpose now. I am stepping into a person that I can be proud of. I am a person of faith, love and forgiveness. I am happier today than I ever believed was possible.
I am able to dream about the future. I am excited for what is to come. Labeled as an alcoholic, or bipolar, wasn’t a reason to give up. It was a challenge to heal. To take back control of my life and become the leader God designed me to be. The challenge was accepted. Today I hardly recognize myself. In 6 years I flipped the script of my life. I said no to alcohol, cigarettes, and junk food. I said yes to developing my relationship with God, exercise, and stepping out of my comfort zone. In my memoir, Dance of the Dragonfly, I learned to embrace discomfort, because I now understand that is how we grow. I no longer run to doctors to fix me or for the next pill to heal me.I take responsibility for myself and my decisions. I treat my body as a temple. I am learning to balance things so I can live my best life. I nurture my relationships and friendships. I am grateful for my circle of friends; my support system. Once lonely, I am now filled with love for others. Believing in myself I can bring forward change and create a more loving world. That’s the plan anyway!
What would you change about yourself if you could? Is friendship important to you? I would love to hear your story. Drop me a note in the comments! Namaste
New Versions of Ourselves
In a daily reflection I realized that I have become a new version of myself. In retrospect I see the older versions I have outgrown. As a child, I was envious of my friends' family lives. They all appeared to be Norman Rockwell like versions of families I longed for. Why wasn’t my family loving and involved in my life? Why didn’t I matter?
As a teen, I was strong willed, rebellious, misunderstood, and on a path of self destruction. Still yearning for the Normal Rockwell version of love and happiness. High School was a blur due to weekend parties and road trips.
In my twenties, I was a party girl. I just wanted to have fun. No career goals or plans, just a dream of finding love and having my own family that would love me. I remember the deep sadness I felt inside was unbearable. I wondered why I was so unlovable? Drinking numbed the pain temporarily. Masking my feelings, playing small and people pleasing behavior became a way of life for me. I struggled to understand myself, but I met Bryon and became a wife and mother at last!
In my thirties, came my health issues and life as an advocate for my son. After the cardiac arrest, I lived with disbelief. I had no memory of the event, only an ICD embedded in my chest as a reminder. Frequent doctor visits and specialists became my norm. It was surreal to me. I put my focus on getting Jake the services he needed to live a normal, peaceful life after recently being diagnosed autistic. I adjusted my life to therapists coming and going from our home each day. I learned everything I could about Autism. I grieved the life I had envisioned for us.
In my forties I experienced great loss after the death of my father, beloved grandmother, and mother within a year and a half of each other. Grief took over my life. Immense pain from the loss and lack of closure from wounds stemming from our dysfunctional family. Then having to remove my sister from life support several years later. I felt like my life was over. I didn’t want to be around any longer. I prayed for God to reunite me with my family as I could no longer endure the loneliness. I prayed for an end to this painful life. I surrendered myself to God. His will be done.
That brings me into my fifties. Today God has blessed me with a new outlook in life. He answered my pleas. He restored the love I had lost for myself. Today I love who I am becoming. I know I am no longer alone. God is with me always. The loneliness has vanished. I now spread joy and love to others who are struggling. My life is better than I believed possible. Life is too short to be miserable. I encourage you to evaluate yourself and see what you can do to make your life a little better. To step into the newest version of yourself. You never know what might happen!
Have you ever thought about the different versions you have become during your lifetime? What are some things you’d like to change about yourself? Do you practice faith or believe in a higher power? How do you get through the difficult seasons in life??
Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste!
TGIF My Reminder of Progress
I remember saying Thank God It’s Friday only to begin my weekend of partying and self destruction. The truth be told, I never waited for Fridays. It was my everyday life with alcohol addiction. How sad it was to live for something that was slowly killing me. Living for the next drink, only to do it again and again and get sicker with each passing day. I was being monitored for a mass in my liver. Thankfully the mass has disappeared miraculously and I am now discharged from hepatology.
One drink was too many, yet 100 was never enough. Crazy, cunning, and baffling that is alcohol addiction. It took the life of my sister and an aunt, both in their forties. I managed to convince myself that it wouldn’t happen to me, but I was damn close to death on several occasions. Two pancreatitis attacks and the last time the doctors urged me to call my children to the hospital to say my goodbyes. I told them “NO” and promised that I would be quitting immediately. I wanted to spare my children the pain of watching me die.
That was well over 6 years ago. Instead of TGIF, today I thanked God for second chances! As I was enjoying my mushroom coffee watching the sunrise in my hottub, I reflected on my past briefly. I am thankful for the lessons. I gained wisdom during my recovery. Wisdom granted me permission to forgive myself. Now I am remembering to give myself grace these days as I try to find balance while I learn to love myself the way I have always needed to. Instead of living in fear of everything, I live fully in the present. I take time to notice the little details in my everyday life. I also take time to check in with myself to see how I am doing throughout the day. I create time for meditation and self reflection to maintain my sobriety and mental health.
I love my life today. I am stepping into the woman I was always meant to be. I know I have many faults, but I am a work in progress. That is good enough for me! I enjoy my job of helping people and am embracing learning new and challenging things. No fear, but fierce determination. I realize each day is a gift and I treat it with gratitude. My time is spent with those that I love. I have nothing to prove to anyone else, but myself. Believe me when I say I am my harshest critic, but I know it holds me accountable so I can continue to grow and help others. Win Win!
How has your life changed over the years? What are your proudest moments? Send me a comment. I would love to hear your story! Namaste!
Finding My Tribe
I recently attended another Mental Health and Addiction Conference. As I drove home I admired the beauty of the Autumn leaves. I could feel the warmth from the sun through the windshield. I reflected on the people that I met at the conference and the stories they told. I smiled as I imagined myself sharing my stories at an upcoming event. My heart is full. I enjoyed meeting so many people who are focused and dedicated to helping others through some of the most incredibly challenging times in their lives. How marvelous to be among these people! These are my kind of people! I feel like I have found where I belong, I finally found my tribe!
I never had many career goals. All I ever wanted was a family that loved me. Grateful that God gave me a wonderful family, but I was somewhat unfulfilled once my children were grown. I longed to be part of a community. I longed for people who cared about others and wanted to be part of the solution. These people epitomized what I needed in a community. I felt like I actually belonged amidst them. A eureka moment for me. I am worthy and I matter. That’s what it means to be healthy and love oneself. A new feeling for me, and I like it!
I spoke to many people and shared that I had recently published my memoir, Dance of the Dragonfly. I inquired about any lived experience storytelling opportunities and handed out bookmarks with my contact information. The response from them was incredible. I felt welcomed by everyone at the event. I used to dread networking, but I think I actually made some new friends by stepping out of my comfort zone. While it can be intimidating, in the end it is very rewarding when you complete the challenge.
I am eager for next year's Mental Health and Addiction Conference at the Kalahari. Seeing familiar faces and making new friends brings me immense joy. Challenging myself to continue to pursue my goals of ending stigma and shame surrounding mental health and addiction. I am determined to continue to work on becoming the best person I can be with the time I have left on this planet. I no longer take life for granted. I embrace everyday and remember to thank God for keeping alive for one more day!
How will you make the most of your day? Have you discovered your passion or purpose in life? Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste!
Making the Most of Each Day
Each night before I go to bed I take an inventory of my day. I thank God for giving me the ability to be of service to others. I look forward to each day and seeing people who are in need of a little kindness. As I reflect on my day I thank God for each encounter. These people have become like family to me. I help to brighten their days and lighten their loads a little. That brings me immense joy.
Yesterday I helped a 90 year old woman with a broken leg by walking her dogs and cutting up a watermelon. Simple things that anyone could do, but few actually do. She recently lost her daughter and took in her pets which added to her already tight budget. She is a real animal lover and couldn’t say no when her daughters' animals needed help. I tidied up her kitchen and we played a word game to pass some time. I see her once every two weeks. She is like family.
I visited next with a 51 year old brain tumor survivor. She was my first client when I began working again over three years ago. We meet weekly to play games and talk about current events. We laugh because neither one of us has any short term memory so often when we are playing games, we forget whose turn it is. It's great that we can laugh about our struggles together. It’s nice to know someone literally understands the struggles of no memory.
This morning I am heading out to see another woman battling cancer. She is also helping me to understand the Bible. I clean for her and then we have a lesson. I really enjoy our Tuesdays together. She isn’t just a client. I am happy to call her my friend.
I will also be seeing another friend who lost her husband last week. He passed due to Alzheimer's and lung cancer shortly after being placed into a nursing home. She did everything she could to keep him out of the nursing home, but her health was taking a hit in trying to take care of him by herself. I can’t wait to see her today and give her a much needed hug. Nothing will bring back her husband, but a hug will let her know that I care.
And finally I will end today by helping a self described hoarder take back her dignity by helping her clean her home. Last week we tackled the kitchen, today we will clean the bathroom. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it means the world to this woman. I have learned that hoarders are simply people who struggle with a disorganized mind, mainly from undiagnosed ADHD. They struggle with freeze paralysis, but if we break things down into teeny tiny baby steps, we are able to help them regain control over things in their lives. It’s an amazing process to watch someone heal and grow. I love being a caregiver.
So many people are silently struggling. I see it daily. This is my life everyday and I wouldn’t change a thing. My heart is full. I live my life today serving others, because this is my purpose. How do you spend your days? What brings you joy? Let me know in the comments. Namaste.
Coexisting with Nature
Last weekend while dismantling a tent, I found a spider. It was a very unique and colorful spider. I was in awe of how beautiful this little spider was. I took special care to remove it and placed it somewhere better suited for spiders, specifically my zinnias. I set it free and I never expected to see it again.
I have been enjoying my newly acquired hot tub. I was using it daily morning and night. The perfect beginning and ending to my days. Sunday night I enjoyed a soak under the stars before retiring. Upon waking around 4:30am Monday I quickly took the dogs out, fed the cats and made my mushroom coffee. I quietly changed into my bathing suit and headed outside to the hot tub. There is a dusk to dawn light on the barn which highlights the back deck, including the hot tub area. As I reached for the hot tub cover I saw a spider perched proudly on a massive web attached to the cover. I turned on the deck lights to try and get a better look, but it was still too dark to see clearly, especially without my contacts.
I returned to the house and changed out of my bathing suit. I made too much noise and accidentally woke up Bryon. He wanted to know why I was up so early. I explained there was a spider web and I didn’t want to destroy it. I was curious to see what kind of spider had taken up residence in my hot tub area.
When the sun rose, we headed out to see the invader. I was delighted to see it was actually the beautiful spider I had released in the zinnias. Either that very one or we have a new species of spiders in our backyard. I tried to capture it with my camera, but I couldn’t get a good picture of it.
Enough goofing off with the spider, I had to leave for work. I shared the story of the spider with my clients that day. I was eager to discover if it was still there when I got home from work.
Once home I headed out to the deck and straight over to the hot tub. Sadly, the web and the spider had disappeared. Oh well, at least I have the memories, plus I could now use my hot tub.
After dinner I quickly suited up and headed out for a relaxing soak. It was so enjoyable. Life is good. I slept pretty well that night. I awoke happy that I could watch the sunrise again from my hot tub. I quickly fed the cats, walked the dogs, suited up and headed to the hot tub!
To my surprise my friend had returned. There was another equally impressive web attached to the hot tub cover once again! I wouldn’t be able to remove the cover from the hot tub without disturbing this lovely little creature’s web. Upon returning inside to change I told Bryon she was back. We have discovered that she is a female marbled orb weaver. She eats her web and builds a new one each night. By eating the web she creates more silk for her next web. How amazing is that? She has returned every day this week. I have decided to name her Charlotte. So original, I know!
God created everything with such thoughtfulness. No detail has been overlooked. This little spider has brightened my week. Her determination to build a web there every night makes me smile. I am happy to share my space with her and coexist with nature, as life should be.
Instead of fearing what we don’t understand we should embrace our differences. We should study one another and learn about our differences. This holds true for everything in life. We are all different. We all have different stories. We are all part of God’s plan. For that reason we need to become more understanding and empathetic towards one another. We need to stop pushing our own views and try to understand those who differ in thinking than us. We have successfully managed to divide ourselves from others for various reasons. I say it’s time to unite. To become better versions of ourselves in order to make this a kinder gentler place to live.
I am all about being kinder these days. To live in the present with gratitude and awareness of others. Do you enjoy being out in nature? What makes your days brighter?
Drop me a note. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste.
Birthday Reflection
Monday I am celebrating another birthday. I feel that birthdays are a great time to check in with yourself. A time to reflect about lessons learned and things accomplished over your past year. I am so proud of the changes I have made in my life recently. I am especially happy to report my memoir Dance of the Dragonfly is finally available! It was a wonderful experience working with my publisher Heather Felty at Inner Peace Press. She is incredibly talented and knowledgeable in all things book related. I couldn’t have done it without her. If you or anyone you may know are thinking of writing a book I would highly recommend giving Heather a call!
Writing Dance of the Dragonfly has been very healing for me. I have gone from a child who was never heard to someone who finally had their say. It has been very freeing for me in some unexpected way. Finally free of the past I am now ready to step into the person I was designed to be and it feels great! I encourage others to work on themselves and regain control over their lives. I can’t express how fortunate I am to be healthy and happy once again! It was worth the struggles.
My message for anyone struggling is to never give up! There were many days I wanted to quit working on myself. It would've been so much easier to just go back to the way things were. Rather than enforcing boundaries I could have returned to my old ways, but my old ways were killing me. Drowning my feelings in booze solved nothing. It kept me stuck and unproductive. I love my life today! I wake with excitement for another day! I serve others with gratitude; I am happy to help! Building my relationship with God is the reason. I lived far too long without Him in my life. He healed my heart and taught me forgiveness which set me free!
This birthday I am celebrating life! The good, the bad, and everything in between! Life is what we make it! This year for my birthday I am challenging myself to continue to step outside my comfort zone and learn new things. God gave us this beautiful world to live in and I want to experience it all! I want to try new foods, to travel when possible and meet new people! I have made some truly wonderful friends in recent years and hope to learn more about them as time goes by. My heart is overflowing with an abundance of love. I want the same for others. It is possible when you have a relationship with your higher power.
Do you have faith? How do you celebrate your birthday? What gets you excited about life? Drop me a note in the comments.
Namaste
When Thank You Isn’t Enough
Today Bryon and I are celebrating 29 years of marriage. I think back to all the things that we have been through, I am grateful for all of it. “Thank you” hardly seems to show my immense gratitude for him. Recently life seemed to be knocking me down with one thing after another. I began to shut down. My body was exhausted. Difficulty with sleeping began again. Racing thoughts followed. Panic attacks came in waves and I became edgy and irritable. I have a painful skin condition that is exasperated by stress. I needed to go back on meds again. Basically, I was unraveling and going down the “why me?” rabbit hole. Bryon recognized this behavior and jumped into action to do what he could to help me. Knowing that hot water soothes my painful skin condition he purchased me a small hot tub to use for these breakouts.
This morning I enjoyed a private soak outside in my little sanctuary that he also built for me. It is a beautiful deck with palm trees and flowers. The birds were singing beautifully. My loyal dog, Roscoe, stood guard while I enjoyed the moment of peace and tranquility while I sipped on my mushroom coffee. My life is as I always dreamed it would be. I have someone who loves me for me. He knows my imperfections and doesn't care. He has nursed me back to health countless times. He knew this is what I needed today. God knew I needed Bryon.
As someone who used to feel unworthy, this feels like winning the jackpot! No amount of money could make me feel like I do. I feel loved and understood wholly and completely. This feeling is only possible because of God. God opened my eyes to the beauty in this world. God gave me Bryon to help me through these challenges. I am grateful for each new day that we get to spend together. I wonder what my life would be like had I not met Bryon so many years ago. I shudder at the thought of him not being in my life. He comforts me like no one else that I have ever known. He is my safe space.
I am forever grateful to Bryon for jumping into action when I had my cardiac arrest. How do you thank someone for saving your life? Nothing seems to be adequate to express my deep gratitude for him. I’m sure I don’t express it as often as I should, but I think he knows. I hope he knows. I love my life today. I love our little family. I love my hubby after 29 years of marriage and pray for 29 more!
How do you nurture your relationships? How do you keep the spark alive? Drop me a comment and let me know.
Namaste.
If you would like to hear more of our love story, and my gratitude for life today, read my book!