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Author: Dani

TGIF My Reminder of Progress

Posted on by Dani

I remember saying Thank God It’s Friday only to begin my weekend of partying and self destruction. The truth be told, I never waited for Fridays. It was my everyday life with alcohol addiction. How sad it was to live for something that was slowly killing me. Living for the next drink, only to do it again and again and get sicker with each passing day. I was being monitored for a mass in my liver. Thankfully the mass has disappeared miraculously and I am now discharged from hepatology.


One drink was too many, yet 100 was never enough. Crazy, cunning, and baffling that is alcohol addiction. It took the life of my sister and an aunt, both in their forties. I managed to convince myself that it wouldn’t happen to me, but I was damn close to death on several occasions. Two pancreatitis attacks and the last time the doctors urged me to call my children to the hospital to say my goodbyes. I told them “NO” and promised that I would be quitting immediately. I wanted to spare my children the pain of watching me die. 


That was well over 6 years ago. Instead of TGIF,  today I thanked God for second chances! As I was enjoying my mushroom coffee watching the sunrise in my hottub, I reflected on my past briefly. I am thankful for the lessons. I gained wisdom during my recovery. Wisdom granted me permission to forgive myself. Now I am remembering to give myself grace these days as I try to find balance while I learn to love myself the way I have always needed to. Instead of living in fear of everything, I live fully in the present. I take time to notice the little details in my everyday life.  I also take time to check in with myself to see how I am doing throughout the day. I create time for meditation and self reflection to maintain my sobriety and mental health. 


I love my life today. I am stepping into the woman I was always meant to be. I know I have many faults, but I am a work in progress. That is good enough for me! I enjoy my job of helping people and am embracing learning new and challenging things. No fear, but fierce determination. I realize each day is a gift and I treat it with gratitude. My time is spent with those that I love. I have nothing to prove to anyone else, but myself. Believe me when I say I am my harshest critic, but I know it holds me accountable so I can continue to grow and help others. Win Win!


How has your life changed over the years? What are your proudest moments? Send me a comment. I would love to hear your story! Namaste!

Finding My Tribe

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I recently attended another Mental Health and Addiction Conference. As I drove home I admired the beauty of the Autumn leaves. I could feel the warmth from the sun through the windshield. I reflected on the people that I met at the conference and the stories they told. I smiled as I imagined myself sharing my stories at an upcoming event. My heart is full. I enjoyed meeting so many people who are focused and dedicated to helping others through some of the most  incredibly challenging times in their lives. How marvelous to be among these people! These are my kind of people! I feel like I have found where I belong, I finally found my tribe!


I never had many career goals. All I ever wanted was a family that loved me. Grateful that God gave me a wonderful family, but I was somewhat unfulfilled once my children were grown. I longed to be part of a community. I longed for people who cared about others and wanted to be part of the solution. These people epitomized what I needed in a community. I felt like I actually belonged amidst them. A eureka moment for me. I am worthy and I matter. That’s what it means to be healthy and love oneself. A new feeling for me, and I like it!


I spoke to many people and shared that I had recently published my memoir, Dance of the Dragonfly. I inquired about any lived experience storytelling opportunities and handed out bookmarks with my contact information. The response from them was incredible. I felt welcomed by everyone at the event. I used to dread networking, but I think I actually made some new friends by stepping out of my comfort zone. While it can be intimidating, in the end it is very rewarding when you complete the challenge.  


I am eager for next year's Mental Health and Addiction Conference at the Kalahari. Seeing familiar faces and making new friends brings me immense joy. Challenging myself to continue to pursue my goals of ending stigma and shame surrounding mental health and addiction. I am determined to continue to work on becoming the best person I can be with the time I have left on this planet. I no longer take life for granted. I embrace everyday and remember to thank God for keeping alive for one more day!


How will you make the most of your day? Have you discovered your passion or purpose in life? Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste!

Making the Most of Each Day

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Each night before I go to bed I take an inventory of my day. I thank God for giving me the ability to be of service to others. I look forward to each day and seeing people who are in need of a little kindness. As I reflect on my day I thank God for each encounter. These people have become like family to me. I help to brighten their days and lighten their loads a little. That brings me immense joy.


Yesterday I helped a 90 year old woman with a broken leg by walking her dogs and cutting up a watermelon. Simple things that anyone could do, but few actually do. She recently lost her daughter and took in her pets which added to her already tight budget. She is a real animal lover and couldn’t say no when her daughters' animals needed  help. I tidied up her kitchen and we played a word game to pass some time. I see her once every two weeks. She is like family.


I visited next with a 51 year old brain tumor survivor. She was my first client when I began working again over three years ago. We meet weekly to play games and talk about current events. We laugh because neither one of us has any short term memory so often when we are playing games, we forget whose turn it is. It's great that we can laugh about our struggles together. It’s nice to know someone literally understands the struggles of no memory. 


This morning I am heading out to see another woman battling cancer. She is also helping me to understand the Bible. I clean for her and then we have a lesson. I really enjoy our Tuesdays together. She isn’t just a client. I am happy to call her my friend.


I will also be seeing another friend who lost her husband last week. He passed due to Alzheimer's and lung cancer shortly after being placed into a nursing home. She did everything she could to keep him out of the nursing home, but her health was taking a hit in trying to take care of him by herself. I can’t wait to see her today and give her a much needed hug. Nothing will bring back her husband, but a hug will let her know that I care.


And finally I will end today by helping a self described hoarder take back her dignity by helping her clean her home. Last week we tackled the kitchen, today we will clean the bathroom. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it means the world to this woman. I have learned that hoarders are simply people who struggle with a disorganized mind, mainly from undiagnosed ADHD. They struggle with freeze paralysis, but if we break things down into teeny tiny baby steps, we are able to help them regain control over things in their lives. It’s an amazing process to watch someone heal and grow. I love being a caregiver.


So many people are silently struggling. I see it daily. This is my life everyday and I wouldn’t change a thing. My heart is full. I live my life today serving others, because this is my purpose. How do you spend your days? What brings you joy? Let me know in the comments. Namaste.

Coexisting with Nature

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Last weekend while dismantling a tent, I found a spider. It was a very unique and colorful spider. I was in awe of how beautiful this little spider was. I took special care to remove it and placed it somewhere better suited for spiders, specifically my zinnias. I set it free and I never expected to see it again.


I have been enjoying my newly acquired hot tub. I was using it daily morning and night. The perfect beginning and ending to my days. Sunday night I enjoyed a soak under the stars before retiring. Upon waking around 4:30am Monday I quickly took the dogs out, fed the cats and made my mushroom coffee. I quietly changed into my bathing suit and headed outside to the hot tub. There is a dusk to dawn light on the barn which highlights the back deck, including the hot tub area. As I reached for the hot tub cover I saw a spider perched proudly on a massive web attached to the cover. I turned on the deck lights to try and get a better look, but it was still too dark to see clearly, especially without my contacts. 


I returned to the house and changed out of my bathing suit. I made too much noise and accidentally woke up Bryon. He wanted to know why I was up so early. I explained there was a spider web and I didn’t want to destroy it. I was curious to see what kind of spider had taken up residence in my hot tub area.


When the sun rose, we headed out to see the invader. I was delighted to see it was actually the beautiful spider I had released in the zinnias. Either that very one or we have a new species of spiders in our backyard. I tried to capture it with my camera, but I couldn’t get a good picture of it. 


Enough goofing off with the spider, I had to leave for work. I shared the story of the spider with my clients that day. I was eager to discover if it was still there when I got home from work.


Once home I headed out to the deck and straight over to the hot tub. Sadly, the web and the spider had disappeared. Oh well, at least I have the memories, plus I could now use my hot tub.


After dinner I quickly suited up and headed out for a relaxing soak. It was so enjoyable. Life is good. I slept pretty well that night. I awoke happy that I could watch the sunrise again from my hot tub. I quickly fed the cats, walked the dogs, suited up and headed to the hot tub! 


To my surprise my friend had returned. There was another equally impressive web attached to the hot tub cover once again! I wouldn’t be able to remove the cover from the hot tub without disturbing this lovely little creature’s web. Upon returning inside to change I told Bryon she was back. We have discovered that she is a female marbled orb weaver.  She eats her web and builds a new one each night. By eating the web she creates more silk for her next web. How amazing is that? She has returned every day this week. I have decided to name her Charlotte. So original, I know!


God created everything with such thoughtfulness.  No detail has been overlooked. This little spider has brightened my week. Her determination to build a web there every night makes me smile. I am happy to share my space with her and coexist with nature, as life should be. 


Instead of fearing what we don’t understand we should embrace our differences. We should study one another and learn about our differences. This holds true for everything in life. We are all different. We all have different stories. We are all part of God’s plan. For that reason we need to become more understanding and empathetic towards one another. We need to stop pushing our own views and try to understand those who differ in thinking than us. We have successfully managed to divide ourselves from others for various reasons. I say it’s time to unite. To become better versions of ourselves in order to make this a kinder gentler place to live. 


I am all about being kinder these days. To live in the present with gratitude and awareness of others. Do you enjoy being out in nature? What makes your days brighter?


Drop me a note. I’d love to hear your story!  Namaste. 


Birthday Reflection

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Monday I am celebrating another birthday. I feel that birthdays are a great time to check in with yourself. A time to reflect about lessons learned and things accomplished over your past year. I am so proud of the changes I have made in my life recently. I am especially happy to report my memoir Dance of the Dragonfly is finally available! It was a wonderful experience working with my publisher Heather Felty at Inner Peace Press. She is incredibly talented and knowledgeable in all things book related. I couldn’t have done it without her. If you or anyone you may know are thinking of writing a book I would highly recommend giving Heather a call!

Writing Dance of the Dragonfly has been very healing for me. I have gone from a child who was never heard to someone who finally had their say. It has been very freeing for me in some unexpected way. Finally free of the past I am now ready to step into the person I was designed to be and it feels great! I encourage others to work on themselves and regain control over their lives. I can’t express how fortunate I am to be healthy and happy once again! It was worth the struggles.

My message for anyone struggling is to never give up! There were many days I wanted to quit working on myself. It would've been so much easier to just go back to the way things were. Rather than enforcing boundaries I could have returned to my old ways, but my old ways were killing me. Drowning my feelings in booze solved nothing. It kept me stuck and unproductive. I love my life today! I wake with excitement for another day! I serve others with gratitude; I am happy to help! Building my relationship with God is the reason. I lived far too long without Him in my life. He healed my heart and taught me forgiveness which set me free!

This birthday I am celebrating life! The good, the bad, and everything in between! Life is what we make it! This year for my birthday I am challenging myself to continue to step outside my comfort zone and learn new things. God gave us this beautiful world to live in and I want to experience it all! I want to try new foods, to travel when possible and meet new people! I have made some truly wonderful friends in recent years and hope to learn more about them as time goes by. My heart is overflowing with an abundance of love. I want the same for others. It is possible when you have a relationship with your higher power.

Do you have faith? How do you celebrate your birthday? What gets you excited about life? Drop me a note in the comments.

Namaste

When Thank You Isn’t Enough

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Today Bryon and I are celebrating 29 years of marriage. I think back to all the things that we have been through, I am grateful for all of it. “Thank you” hardly seems to show my immense gratitude for him. Recently life seemed to be knocking me down with one thing after another. I began to shut down. My body was exhausted. Difficulty with sleeping began again. Racing thoughts followed. Panic attacks came in waves and I became edgy and irritable. I have a painful skin condition that is exasperated by stress. I needed to go back on meds again. Basically, I was unraveling and going down the “why me?” rabbit hole. Bryon recognized this behavior and jumped into action to do what he could to help me. Knowing that hot water soothes my painful skin condition he purchased me a small hot tub to use for these breakouts.

This morning I enjoyed a private soak outside in my little sanctuary that he also built for me. It is a beautiful deck with palm trees and flowers. The birds were singing beautifully. My loyal dog, Roscoe, stood guard while I enjoyed the moment of peace and tranquility while I sipped on my mushroom coffee. My life is as I always dreamed it would be. I have someone who loves me for me. He knows my imperfections and doesn't care. He has nursed me back to health countless times. He knew this is what I needed today. God knew I needed Bryon.

As someone who used to feel unworthy, this feels like winning the jackpot! No amount of money could make me feel like I do. I feel loved and understood wholly and completely. This feeling is only possible because of God. God opened my eyes to the beauty in this world. God gave me Bryon to help me through these challenges. I am grateful for each new day that we get to spend together. I wonder what my life would be like had I not met Bryon so many years ago. I shudder at the thought of him not being in my life. He comforts me like no one else that I have ever known. He is my safe space.

I am forever grateful to Bryon for jumping into action when I had my cardiac arrest. How do you thank someone for saving your life? Nothing seems to be adequate to express my deep gratitude for him. I’m sure I don’t express it as often as I should, but I think he knows. I hope he knows. I love my life today. I love our little family. I love my hubby after 29 years of marriage and pray for 29 more!

How do you nurture your relationships? How do you keep the spark alive? Drop me a comment and let me know.

Namaste.

If you would like to hear more of our love story, and my gratitude for life today, read my book! 

Learning to Find Balance in Life

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Some little known facts about me that you may not know. 


  1. I have 3 first place trophies for arm wrestling. I won them all the same day!

  2. My lucky number is 13. 

  3. I am an empath. I feel others' energies. I have done this since I was a child. I never understood that this was a thing until after I got sober. I realized I was taking on feelings and emotions that weren’t mine. I believe this is partly why I drank in an attempt to quiet these energies.

  4. I take everything to the extreme. If I am happy - I am ecstatic! If I am sad - I feel deep hopelessness and grief.  If I get angry I go straight to rage. There is no in between. When I was drinking I drank to get annihilated. I wanted to be completely numb. When I started working I went from part time to 6 days a week, taking every client I could. It wasn’t for the money, it was an attempt to help everyone in need. I couldn’t say no. The result of overworking for me is that I become overwhelmed and exhausted. That isn’t a good thing for a recovering alcoholic. Overwhelm was always my excuse to pick up. I was the reason for sabotaging myself. Or I should say my crazy brain was the reason.


I now understand myself and why I do things the way I do. My thoughts used to control my actions, but now I do. I learned that our thoughts become our actions. Our actions predict the results. Make good decisions, have a peaceful life. Continue to make poor choices and suffer the consequences.  I keep my thoughts on the things I want in life. I want a peaceful, serene life. I despise drama anymore. I try to live a life that emulates my love of God. I believe we get back what we give. I choose to spread kindness and joy these days. To focus on the positives in my life. Is my life perfect? No way, but I am the happiest I have ever been.


Today I am proud to say I am celebrating 6 years sober. Something I used to believe was impossible for me. I am finding balance in life. I love helping others. I take time to nurture my soul while outside playing with the dogs or gardening. I make time for friends and family. I see so many lonely people in need of a kind word or deed. I remember my lonely days, sick and depressed wishing someone would reach out to me. I make an effort to check on my friends that I neglected during my struggles. I feel it helps them feel appreciated, and who doesn’t need that these days? I let go of petty differences that kept me apart from those I cared for. Resentment and disappointment fell by the wayside. Forgiveness and love filled the hole in my heart. I am so grateful for my life today. I can finally embrace all the unique qualities that make me who I am today. You know what? I realized I wasn’t such a bad person afterall. In fact if Jesus can forgive someone like me, then everyone can be redeemed as well. What a wonderful blessing life is.


What things do you like about yourself? What’s the hardest thing you’ve done in your life? What are you most proud of? Drop me a comment. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste.

Morning Mindset

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I took a sleeping pill last night. I haven’t slept well for a few weeks and was in desperate need of rest. According to my fitness tracker I got close to seven hours last night. I can tell you it was exactly what I needed to reset my mind.

This morning's sunrise looks incredible to me. The hues of pinks and oranges calmed my soul as I sipped on my mushroom coffee out on our patio. My dogs happily busied themselves with the frisbee. Tug-a-war is their morning ritual. The birds singing beautifully made this a picture perfect morning for me. I can’t imagine anything better. This is happiness for me.

I have been tired and weary lately, but I understand now about the ebbs and flows of life. I am able to adjust to changes as needed. I have learned that resistance is futile. My pride used to try and control things. If something didn’t go as I had imagined I would unravel and be miserable. I constantly set myself up for disappointment. I had so much drama in my life growing up that I became used to it. When nothing was happening I often found myself creating some kind of incident to bring about drama. Crazy huh?

Today I value my peace. I hate drama. I try to avoid it at all costs. I don’t take part in gossip or get involved in others' problems. If someone is in need, I do what I can to help. These days I focus my energy on helping others. It keeps me out of my head and makes me feel useful. I prefer spreading joy over gossip any day!

I am so grateful for morning routines and peaceful nights. I am filled with the love of God. He truly restored my soul. I lived with feelings of unworthiness for most of my life. I now want others to develop their own relationship with our heavenly father. I guarantee that you will never regret learning your purpose in life. It is possible for anyone. God loves each one of His children. Don’t suffer in silence, ask Him into your heart today!

Now after a good night's sleep I feel ready to take on my day. I will make the most of it. I know summer will be ending in a couple of weeks. Then Autumn will be here. Cooler temps and colorful leaves to admire will be on the agenda. Until then I will enjoy every day God blesses me with.

Some of my morning routines: coffee on the patio watching the sunrise; anticipating what the day will bring; listening to the birds sing.

What are your morning routines? Any last minute plans for summer? Are you ready for Fall? Drop me a line in the comments. I’d love to hear your story.

Namaste.

Harvesting Kindness

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While we were out in the garden an unfamiliar truck pulled into our driveway. Bryon walked over to the man who was carrying two 5-gallon buckets of cucumbers. The man asked him if we needed any more cucumbers. Bryon laughed because we just finished putting our last few pints of pickles and sweet relish. I promised it would be the last batch. I have gone through several dozen jars and am in need of more to finish out my harvest of cucumbers. They were very abundant this year. We declined his generous offer, and I offered him some of my cherry tomatoes. He smiled and was eager to have some fresh tomatoes picked right off of the plants. It was a pleasant exchange. I had never met this gentleman before. He is a neighbor from down the road.

I live in a town of about 900 people. Everyone knows one another. It has its pros and cons, but mostly pros for me. I love knowing my neighbors. When I had my cardiac arrest, people I’d never met brought flowers and meals for us. They offered to watch the children when I had appointments. They cared about me even when I didn’t care for myself. That is small town hospitality.

I love my town. I am grateful for our volunteer fire department. I wouldn't be here today if it weren’t for their heroic actions, using their defibrillator to save my life. Thank you hardly conveys the immense gratitude I have for everyone involved.

Neighbors helping neighbors. Some share their abundant harvests with others. Some give of their time to help one another. Each of us play an integral role in making my community a place I am proud to call home.

While I have been busy harvesting vegetables from my garden I am also busy spreading kindness to those without friends or family nearby. I have been giving away jars of bread and butter pickles and sweet pickle relish. Squeals of delight from those who are receiving them brightens my day.

This year my garden grew wonderfully. I am blessed with abundance. This year I realize that my life is very abundant. I am hopeful for the future and what will come by sharing kindness to everyone I encounter. The law of attraction makes me believe that the kinder I am to others, the kinder they will be to me. It starts with one person. I have accepted the challenge, won’t you join me?

What do you do to bring kindness to others? Do you harvest hatred or harmony?

Drop me a comment and share your stories of kindness.

Namaste.

The Last Few Weeks of Summer

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My husband asked me what I would like to do this weekend. The weather this summer has been crazy. We were unable to do many of the things we had planned for the summer because of rain or excessive heat. This upcoming weekend shows a chance of showers and highs in the 80s. I am determined to get out in nature and decompress. My soul is weary and needs a recharging of sorts. I crave being near bodies of water. We went canoeing on the Kickapoo River a few weeks ago. It was fantastic. We took our puppy Rainy and she absolutely loved it! She is a natural adventurer. I am glad she travels nicely too. My other dog Roscoe needs to be sedated just to ride in a car so we leave him at home.

Last fall Bryon and I went horseback riding through Governor Dodge State Park. It was a beautiful ride. We got to see the leaves at their peak. The cool crisp air filled our lungs. The horses seemed to enjoy it as well. They were perky and light on their feet on the trail. I sure miss having horses. I was asked to stop riding after getting my defibrillator 21 years ago. It saddened me to think I would never ride again. Our fall ride meant a lot to me as I once again am able to do things I enjoy. A gentle reminder to never give up on yourself.

I know this weekend I want to organize things for an upcoming trip. In about a month I will be heading to meet some other authors at a retreat in rural Kentucky! I am traveling alone, unless it’s ok to bring my dog, and I will be camping in a tent. I haven’t done this for years. I always preferred our motorhome and all of its comforts. This will be an adventure for me alone. I am amazed that I am able to even think of doing this. For many years after my fiasco of a marriage to Charles, I was traumatized and terrified of being in a car. My anxiety kept me paralyzed with fear. If the weather was bad I stayed home. I felt like I would die. I would have panic attacks in construction zones or bad neighborhoods. Car trips were only taken with prescription meds on board. Many fights occurred between Bryon and I when I would freak out because I felt so out of control. I am grateful to God for bringing me through this struggle. He restored my freedom. I am no longer a prisoner to fear. Today I rely on that freedom to be able to do my job in helping others. I am also able to travel and meet new people. Life without fear enables me to try new things. To step out of my comfort zone. By challenging myself to try new things I learn and grow!

Today I walk with the faith of knowing God is with me always. I have a lot of exciting things that I will be announcing soon! My life today is so much better than I ever imagined. For once in my life I am able to say I am proud of myself. I have become the friend to myself that I always needed. By learning to love and nurture myself I am able to become a better person for others. I accept that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. There may be some challenges along the way, but I will persevere. It’s who I am; it’s what I do.

How will you be spending your last couple of weeks this summer? How do you decompress from stress? What brings you joy? Drop me a comment. I would love to hear from you.

Namaste.