I had a type of revelation this morning when I woke up. This morning when I walked into the bathroom I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I didn't cringe like I normally do. I didn't notice the bags under my eyes or the wrinkles on my face. Big deal? It is for me! I have body dysmorphia which means I struggle to like myself, which might seem strange as a former child model. However, I was only valued for my appearance.
I find it ironic that I could appreciate the beauty of others, but never saw it in myself. A critical inner dialogue constantly playing in my mind. The zit that would appear on my face before a special occasion could send me into a tailspin of self loathing. A snide remark from someone about my weight would trigger binges with laxatives and diuretics. I even started smoking cigarettes in high school because someone told me it could help me lose weight. I did lose some weight but quickly became addicted to them as well. I never felt good enough at anything in life. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not popular enough, etc. I straight up hated everything about myself.
This morning when I looked at myself I noticed a softer, gentler person. It wasn't about beauty but about self acceptance. I am finally able to love myself. Because of my struggles with body dysmorphia it has taken 56 years for this to happen. The person who felt unworthy, ugly, and unlovable no longer controls me. I have been redeemed by the grace of God. I now understand that I was created in His design with the purpose of helping others. I was never meant to be perfect, and I am ok being perfectly imperfect. Jesus Christ is the only perfect human. I strive to be more like Jesus every day.
I now realize that comparison is the thief of joy. In trying to be perfect I lost sight of myself and what is really important in life. I was so worried about how I appeared to others that I lost sight of my own identity. I told myself I was never good enough. Comparison kept me stuck. We are all different and have unique things about us that make each of us special. By looking inward I discovered that I am a compassionate and empathetic person. I have a lot to offer and I am worthy.
Who I am inside has nothing to do with external beauty because that only lasts for so long. I am an empath, which means I feel others' energy. For years I thought everyone can do this, but when I started on my journey of self-love I discovered that not everyone can. I relate to people’s feelings and vibrations. I am also somewhat of a human lie detector. Who knew? I always just assumed others were able to do the same. Feeling someone's energy gives me the ability to understand what they are going through. It helps us to connect. That is so much cooler than just a pretty face right? At age 56 I would rather have friends who love me rather than a lean, perfect body.
Thank you Jesus for redeeming me from these over intrusive thoughts.
The woman looking back at me has found peace and can now love herself. She has gained wisdom from her trials. She has forgiven things that happened to her. She has taken steps to improve her health and attitude. She sets goals and completes them. She is a survivor.
I love the person I am becoming. I am grateful for my life today. My dreams are turning into realities. I now know serenity and bliss. I owe everything to my savior, Jesus Christ. I know His love for me has given me a chance at redemption. I will do everything today with love and gratitude.
Because of Jesus now I am proud to call the woman in the mirror my friend.
What things do you do to take care of yourself? Do you have a self care routine? Are your thoughts about yourself true?