Shame is described as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. To live with shame is very painful. It makes me uncomfortable just to remember things that caused me shame. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for dealing with internal shame that I carried for most of my life. Shame brought on by others as well as myself.
Today instead of picking up a drink, I employ techniques that help me to process emotions that continue flooding my mind. I can see how shame was a contributing factor in my drinking problem. When I journal or write poems about how I am feeling I am able to see what emotions come up often leaving me full of shame. I realize that the numbness from alcohol kept me from processing these events,causing me to keep reliving the shame over and over. A vicious cycle of self hatred and loathing was the result. A crazy merry-go-round that I wanted off of. I prayed for answers.
The answers came to me when writing Dance of the Dragonfly. The shame I struggled with for most of my life was released through my surrender to God. A lifetime of questioning God and why people go through struggles was answered for me. The struggles led me to develop my relationship with God. It gave me understanding of the things I went through. He showed me that they were necessary in helping me to become who I am today. Healing and helping others deal with their struggles in life. Today when I am struggling, instead of throwing my hands up at God, I look for the lesson in the situation. I have learned that discomfort brings growth. I like who I am becoming these days. I have less shame, and way more joy. I have been refined by the struggles of life. A painful, but necessary process. Shame no longer defines me. I know who I am.
Have you struggled with shame? How do you deal with it? I would love to hear from you. Please drop me a comment below.
Namaste.
Embracing the Discomfort From Shame
