I feel as if I am playing a game of Hide and Seek with myself at times. It usually happens when I step into making myself more visible. As an author and storyteller this seems to be becoming more of an issue for me lately. I feel ready to step into the spotlight, it’s what I have been actively pursuing for the past five years, but my mind has a completely different idea about who I am. I begin to question why I even care or I ask myself just who I think I am to tell anyone how to live their life. This battle is real for me. The empath inside of me urges me to continue to help the wounded child trapped inside. I know I am capable and determined to make a difference with the time I have left on this journey, but my inner dialogue is brutal. It has always been hyper critical of me. Quick to point out my unworthiness, faults and flaws, reasons that I could never be successful or of use to anyone. Through my healing I’ve learned that just because I may think these things about myself, that it doesn’t make them true. These are only thoughts and thoughts can change all the time.
When these thoughts surface, I pause to ask myself if they are serving my best interest or if this is just old dialogue coming through? If I find it’s old patterns, I flip the script and change the negative thought or belief. Ego has always made me feel less than everyone else. I hid who I was to please others. I played small so I wouldn’t be seen as competition. Healing has given me the ability to live authentically.
Authentic living means not comparing myself to anyone else. Accepting that we are all on our own journeys. It’s given me the understanding that while I may want to help those who are struggling, that I can’t fix it for them. People must become more willing to go through discomfort to get to the other side. I am willing to sit with them during these trials. I cannot tell them how to fix it.
Everyone has a different journey to experience. It’s through the hardship and suffering that we discover who we are and who we can become. I am excited to discover the potential that I had abandoned during my drinking days. I like who I am becoming. I recall my power and take steps needed to release this ingrained pattern of negative thinking about myself. I am exhausted from this inner bullying that occurs daily. I refuse to hide from myself anymore. The person who was playing hide and seek was a wounded child who needed help. I am nurturing that girl and empowering her to continue in her quest for knowledge and understanding. I am forgiving her for not understanding everything. I give this girl grace and compassion for her struggles. I recognize how far she has come. I am proud of who she is today!
How do you deal with intrusive thoughts? Are you working on your self acceptance?
Drop me a note and tell me your story! Namaste.
Hide and Seek, Anyone?
