In a daily reflection I realized that I have become a new version of myself. In retrospect I see the older versions I have outgrown. As a child, I was envious of my friends' family lives. They all appeared to be Norman Rockwell like versions of families I longed for. Why wasn’t my family loving and involved in my life? Why didn’t I matter?
As a teen, I was strong willed, rebellious, misunderstood, and on a path of self destruction. Still yearning for the Normal Rockwell version of love and happiness. High School was a blur due to weekend parties and road trips.
In my twenties, I was a party girl. I just wanted to have fun. No career goals or plans, just a dream of finding love and having my own family that would love me. I remember the deep sadness I felt inside was unbearable. I wondered why I was so unlovable? Drinking numbed the pain temporarily. Masking my feelings, playing small and people pleasing behavior became a way of life for me. I struggled to understand myself, but I met Bryon and became a wife and mother at last!
In my thirties, came my health issues and life as an advocate for my son. After the cardiac arrest, I lived with disbelief. I had no memory of the event, only an ICD embedded in my chest as a reminder. Frequent doctor visits and specialists became my norm. It was surreal to me. I put my focus on getting Jake the services he needed to live a normal, peaceful life after recently being diagnosed autistic. I adjusted my life to therapists coming and going from our home each day. I learned everything I could about Autism. I grieved the life I had envisioned for us.
In my forties I experienced great loss after the death of my father, beloved grandmother, and mother within a year and a half of each other. Grief took over my life. Immense pain from the loss and lack of closure from wounds stemming from our dysfunctional family. Then having to remove my sister from life support several years later. I felt like my life was over. I didn’t want to be around any longer. I prayed for God to reunite me with my family as I could no longer endure the loneliness. I prayed for an end to this painful life. I surrendered myself to God. His will be done.
That brings me into my fifties. Today God has blessed me with a new outlook in life. He answered my pleas. He restored the love I had lost for myself. Today I love who I am becoming. I know I am no longer alone. God is with me always. The loneliness has vanished. I now spread joy and love to others who are struggling. My life is better than I believed possible. Life is too short to be miserable. I encourage you to evaluate yourself and see what you can do to make your life a little better. To step into the newest version of yourself. You never know what might happen!
Have you ever thought about the different versions you have become during your lifetime? What are some things you’d like to change about yourself? Do you practice faith or believe in a higher power? How do you get through the difficult seasons in life??
Drop me a note in the comments. I’d love to hear your story! Namaste!
New Versions of Ourselves
